


I Want It All Eventually

by awandererbenighted



Series: Somebody You Can Wake Up With [2]
Category: Teenage Bounty Hunters (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:14:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awandererbenighted/pseuds/awandererbenighted
Summary: The Sterling-centric companion to "A Forever Type of Person"
Relationships: April Stevens & Sterling Wesley, April Stevens/Sterling Wesley
Series: Somebody You Can Wake Up With [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1964245
Comments: 44
Kudos: 172





	1. If They Only Knew

**Author's Note:**

> I will be working on this companion story likely until it catches up with "A Forever Type of Person". I have so many ideas and I don't want them to get lost. But fear not, I'm still working on both stories.

Sterling laid underneath the covers of her bed all night and all day after the kidnapping. The afternoon light that shone through her covers was still too harsh against her puffy eyes. Her eyes squeezed shut and for the briefest moment she could pretend that the warmth of her cocoon was the same warmth she had felt when April kissed her back in Ellen’s office, at the Fun Zone, in the backseat of her car as she hovered over April’s body. Things seemed so simple then, before a catastrophic turn of events turned her world upside down. How quickly her euphoria turned to despair. And really, she was not entirely blameless in this situation even though the thought of April’s role in it gave her mental whiplash and made her stomach churn angrily. Breaking up with April, if that was even the correct term to use, was undoubtedly the source of some of the sorrow that currently plagued her heart. Some of it was at the expense of Debbie and Dana’s own “coming out” about who Sterling’s biological mother really was. But a considerable amount was because of the realization that like Sterling’s parents, April resorted to living a lie to prevent her own life from being upended and nearly no one had given her a reason to believe she could tell the truth.

Sterling prided herself on being truthful, which was why she came to April’s defense during the condom incident. She couldn’t let April take the fall for something she had done, especially when she didn’t regret what happened between her and Luke. Her taking a giant leap of faith and kissing April for the first time after Bible Studies also stemmed from her need to be honest. But how honest was she with April? She didn’t tell April about how she first realized she was attracted to her, sexually speaking. She didn’t tell April about arresting her father and she didn’t tell April that the real reason she rejected her ‘Maybe someday, though?’ was a direct result of discovering John Stevens was no longer in prison. Would she tell April that not even five minutes later she was kissing Luke again? She asked a lot of April, without really giving her much in return. Curiosity killed the cat, but impulsivity could kill Sterling Wesley.

All of her feelings about every problematic aspect of her life conflicted Sterling. She wanted to be angry with her parents for lying to her and to Blair, but they had done it to keep them safe. That was easy to rationalize after everything that happened with Dana and Levi. She thought that perhaps she should be sad about finding out that her parents were actually her adopted parents and not her biological parents, but blood didn’t make a family, love did. Debbie and Anderson never gave her a reason to believe they loved her any less than their actual, biological daughter. As for Blair, she would always be Sterling’s sister. That would never change. Their bond was carved in stone. What she did feel was fear. What if Blair and Bowser had never found her? What if her mom and dad never showed up to stop Dana from taking her again? What if instead of being at home, safe in her bed, she had been separated from her family forever? And what if she never saw April again? What if the time they spent breaking each other’s’ hearts on that bench was the last moment they ever spent together?

Tears resurfaced in Sterling’s eyes. She thought that she should probably be having more feelings about the Dana situation, but she couldn’t tear her mind away from April. Sterling could barely imagine what it would have been like to grow up with Dana as a mother, so how did April feel having to actually grow up with John Stevens as a father? Sterling also couldn’t imagine her parents doing anything to intentionally hurt her, so how could John Stevens possibly think about hurting April? She couldn’t wrap her head around it. April did anything and everything under the sun to make her parents proud. They couldn’t just stop loving April for something she had no control over. It didn’t make sense.

Sterling reached out for her phone, wanting desperately to listen to their song, before realizing she still didn’t have a phone. She pulled her blankets around her and closed her eyes, summoning the tune to the front of her mind. She remembered every word, could even hear the guitar in the background. Even during the six years that they were sworn enemies, Sterling and April continued to orbit around one another, moon and sun, night and day. It would have been simple enough to avoid each other for the most part, but they always found themselves gravitating back to each other. The summer after sixth grade they were paired up as buddies at Bible Camp for the week. They had gotten along well, like they had before fifth grade. When Bible Camp ended, they reverted back to their icy relationship, but Sterling never forgot the way April held her hand under their shared blanket during the campfire on the last night. In seventh grade they both volunteered at their church to help Ellen with Sunday school for the younger kids. On the last day of their service, April surprised Sterling by hugging her tightly and for much longer than thirteen-year-old girls were probably supposed to hug. The memory brought butterflies to Sterling’s stomach. Ellen didn’t say anything, but she smiled knowingly at them before leaving them alone. _Is that why Ellen always tried so hard to push us together?_

At the end of eighth grade, Sterling ran into April in the girl’s bathroom during a school dance. The zipper on April’s dress had broken and the shorter girl was frantically trying to fix it herself, not wanting to admit that she needed help. Sterling thought she looked absolutely ridiculous flailing around, but she pulled a small paperclip from her purse and fashioned it around the base of the zipper. She still remembers how April’s body trembled when her fingers brushed against her back trying to free the caught fabric. Once high school started, April seemed to be everywhere. They had classes together, Forensics, and Fellowship. April became more hostile towards her though and their private cease-fires, where the April standing in front of her was the same April who had been her best friend all those years ago, also ceased to exist. And April was particularly hostile whenever Luke was around, which was most of the time. _Oh. Oh!_ A lightbulb went off in Sterling’s head. That was also when Ellen started trying harder and harder to push them together. Another lightbulb moment. They’ve been living their slow burn for the last six years. In the span of a lifetime, that was a blink of the eye.

Around one o’clock her dad knocked on her bedroom door. He came with a peace offering, a new phone. “Hey sweetheart. How’re ya feeling?”

“I’m doing alright.” She peeked her head out from underneath her blankets.

“Your mother and I got you a new phone. She’s got a headache, so she went to lay down.”

"Thanks.” He handed her the phone. “Dad, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

"You love me no matter what, right?”

“Your mother and I will always love you. Nothing can change that.”

“Are you sure? There’s nothing that could make you change your mind?”

“Never. A parent’s love should be unconditional.”

As soon as her dad shut the door, Sterling unlocked her new phone, praying that she had a message from April. She needed to know that their relationship could be saved. She had to rifle through a slew of messages from people she didn’t even talk to anymore, but near the bottom of the list was one lone text message from April from the previous night. Sterling still had a lot to think about, but April’s message was enough to bring her hope that April would be back in her arms someday.


	2. Someone Who Holds Your Heart

In the morning before the rest of the Wesley’s awoke, at night after everyone had gone to bed, and whenever she was the only person home, Sterling took to praying and re-reading the Bible from beginning to end in search of answers she wasn’t certain she’d find. She thought she had always walked a straight line, but since the beginning of the school year her path became less linear, even before her break up with Luke. Now, Sterling felt adrift and didn’t really know who to turn to, especially when it came to April.

She needed guidance and to find strength for herself, for her family, and for April. She also wanted to understand how the people in her community used the Bible to justify their bigotry and how she could use the Bible to justify her love for April. And most importantly, she wanted to grow closer to God. Sterling was not ashamed of the journey that she embarked on, but she didn’t particularly want to share it with anyone. In the dim glow of a book light, Sterling composed a list of verses, both the good and the bad, that she wanted to research later. Her progress began slowly. Having experienced April’s gentle caress, thumb stroking against her maxilla, April wrapping her arms around Sterling’s waist as they kissed to pull her closer, the heat that radiated between them when their hook ups became more intense, made certain parts of the Old Testament difficult to read. She cried a lot, took a lot of breaks, and reminded herself that God made them in His image.

“Hey God, I know that you’re always listening, and you know when we’re struggling, so you know that I _really_ need your help. I believe more than anything that you love us no matter what. We all make mistakes and you never leave our side because we are all your children and you made us in your image. I don’t think you’re angry with me for making love to Luke and I don’t think you’re angry with me for kissing April and wanting to do more than that sometimes. But I’m realizing that there are a lot of people who would disagree with me. Why would you give me so much love for someone if it’s a sin to love that person? You have to know that what I feel for April is so much stronger than what I felt for Luke. I need her and that just can’t be wrong.”

A knock came on the door and Blair entered her room looking rattled. Sterling had lost track of the time and scrambled to cover up all of her biblical research, but Blair was too preoccupied to notice. “Sterling, we have _a lot_ to talk about.”

“Did you see April?”

“Yes, I saw your girlfriend.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

Blair ignored her. “She’s heartbroken and scared. But don’t worry, I was nice to her. It was actually rather difficult, but I suppose if I don’t have to be nice to April _all_ the time then I could probably handle her in small doses. Only if you’re going to get back together with her though. Otherwise I’d rather not waste my energy.”

“Blair!”

“What?”

"Can you slow down and tell me what happened. The suspense is kind of killing me.”

Blair sat up, facing Sterling and taking her hands in her own. “Sterling, I love you and I will always be on your side, but April was not the only one who made a mistake that night. I think she really does love you, but she’s terrified of coming out. She’s not ready to come out yet and you pushed her.”

Tears clung to Sterling’s eyes like morning dew on grass. Though she was exhausted from crying she made no effort to dry her tears, not wanting to disturb her already irritated skin. “I just wanted to hold her hand.”

“I know. It’s not fair that you and April should have to hide. It’s not fair that April is starved for affection from homophobic parents and we have parents that protect us at all costs.” Sterling pulled her blanket tighter around her body and slumped into Blair. Within seconds her shirt was soaked through with tears. “April thinks her dad will hurt her if he finds out that she’s gay.”

“Do you really think he would hurt April?”

“Considering he assaulted a sex worker, I don’t think it’s a stretch.”

“His own daughter?”

“You didn’t see the look in her eyes.”

"What do you think I should do?”

“I think if you love April, you should figure out if you can forgive her for what happened at the lock-in and you should try to understand what’s at stake for April if she comes out. I could try to help you.”

“Why are you being so cool about me and April?”

"Because one of us should get to be with the person that we love.”

"I’m really sorry about Miles.”

“Me too, but I’m just going to focus on myself for now.”

“I love you so much Blair.”

“I love you too Sterling.”

True to her word, Blair helped Sterling research the ins and outs of coming out. Locked away in Sterling’s room, she and Blair googled ‘how to come out’ and opened every link on the first two pages but settled for reading a Cosmopolitan article instead. It was a lot of information for Sterling to absorb, most of which she hadn’t even thought about. She never imagined that someone would question her feelings for April or that it might be a good idea to find resources for her parents to help them process the information even though she was certain they’d accept her. And she never considered what might happen to her family if her grandparents found out. Sterling knew there was a snowball’s chance in Hell that they would accept her, but she didn’t think her family could handle that curveball anytime soon. It became apparent that her coming out, though entirely her own choice, would have a domino effect on the people around her and that included April. Now wasn’t the time to be hasty and impulsive. She needed a plan, something that April seemed to understand well.

Blair also made her a list of movies to watch and websites to stream them on so their parents wouldn’t find out what they were doing. When Sterling couldn’t sleep later that night, she settled in bed with her laptop and watched _Boy Erased_ , which in retrospect had been a bad choice to start with. She cried within the first few minutes, watching an uneasy Jared Eamons in church as his father preached. She wondered if April had ever felt that way sitting in their own church on Sunday mornings and how she managed to hide it so well. Pastor Booth never went out of his way to preach bigotry, but he made it clear that he sided with the more conservative people amongst his congregation. It took her twice as long to watch as the length of the movie itself. She cried more tears than she thought she had. And Sterling couldn’t stop thinking about April: her ‘fake it till you make it’ attitude, being president of the Straight-Straight Alliance, flirting with Luke, pretending as if they hadn’t kissed in Ellen’s office at first; if she ever thought about trying to change herself; how she learned to accept herself; what John Stevens would do if April were prematurely outed.

Discovering that conversion therapy was still legal in the state of Georgia, and many other states, didn’t help the matter. In the hours just before dawn, Sterling crawled sobbing into Blair’s bed. Blair was already awake, not having been able to sleep herself, and she held her sister tightly. “I shouldn’t have pushed April to come out. I should have listened to her. I fucked up.”

“There’s no use in beating yourself up over it Sterling.”

“But I hurt her.”

“You can make it right.”

“If I do, I have to tell April everything.”

“Then tell her.”


	3. When Your Demons Awake

Each morning before school, Sterling made Blair twin swear she’d be nice to April and if Blair’s daily updates were anything to go by, April was in desperate need of some kindness these days with her father’s unexpected release from jail causing more tension in an already delicate situation. Sterling’s fingers hovered over the send button of yet another text she had spent hours composing before deleting it and locking her phone in a drawer to resist the temptation to try again later. Everything in the messages she composed to April was true but resorting to having such an important conversation through text was the coward’s way out of her situation. If she was going to regain April’s trust after telling her the truth about arresting her father and being a bounty hunter, Sterling would need to make more of an effort and though she loved April deeply she wasn’t yet ready to face her in person.

Sterling still hadn’t interacted much with her mom since the kidnapping, the events of that night having taken an exceptionally great toll on her. Like Sterling, Debbie spent most of the day locked away in her bedroom only emerging to check in on Sterling a few times a day and to help Anderson cook dinner, which everyone ate mostly in silence if they ate at all. She didn’t bother to uphold her southern, conservative housewife appearance and often floated around the house in old sweatpants, her face colorless and eyes lackluster. Sterling hadn’t seen her smile or heard her laugh in days and when she spoke Debbie’s monotonous tone reminded Sterling that her life was not the only one to be upended that night. She guessed that there was a lot more to the story of how Debbie and Anderson ended up with Sterling, but it didn’t seem like they would be sharing those details anytime soon and she didn’t blame them for needing more time. Sterling couldn’t imagine how she would feel if she and Blair were in the same situation as Debbie and Dana, but she knew at the very least that it would break her beyond repair.

Anderson had also been a champion during the past few days. With what seemed like ease, he picked up the slack and managed the daily household chores that Debbie usually took care of. He made sure that everyone was fed and he did the laundry. He often washed and put away the dishes by himself. And late at night when her parents thought no one was awake, Sterling could hear him consoling his wife as her sobs were swallowed up by the darkness. Sterling had no idea when he slept and if the lack of sleep was also taking a toll on him, he did everything in his power not to show it. He literally carried their family on his shoulders and Sterling felt blessed to call him her father even if he wasn’t her biological father. Sterling couldn’t imagine anyone else sacrificing what he had for her, for Blair, and for Debbie. His actions proved to Sterling that his love for them was truly unconditional.

All of this brought Sterling back to April, in particular to her speech about narwhals and tiny blue poison frogs. April had spoken so matter-of-factly, her words prepared and well-rehearsed. She held her head high as she spoke in that typical April Stevens sort of way, as if she were defending her identity as a gay Christian. She held Sterling’s gaze, her eyes piercing and not betraying a hint of fear or weakness. It was easy for Sterling to assume that April’s parents wouldn’t possibly disown her for being gay when she barely knew the type of people they had become over the course of the six years that she and April were enemies. Sterling remembered them as kind and loving people who got along amicably with her own parents. Anderson was known to watch football games with John Stevens on occasion and Rebecca Stevens frequented Debbie’s book club meetings. Despite her dated impression of April’s parents, they must have given April plenty of reasons to fear them if she felt it necessary to go to such elaborate lengths to pretend to be someone she wasn’t. Though Sterling had worried that April might tell her parents or the people in their community about Sterling’s feelings for her, Sterling was never really afraid that her parents would stop loving her for liking boys _and_ girls. She regretted that she didn’t try harder to understand April’s situation before.

“If you want to know how April’s holding up why can’t you just talk to her yourself?” Blair sighed, exasperated, as she kicked off her shoes and collapsed on Sterling’s bed. “You’re miserable, she’s miserable, and you’re both making me miserable. Being nice to April Stevens is not good for my image and its bad for my health. People actually think we’re friends now! Me! Friends with April Stevens! Can you believe that load of garbage?”

“Okay! I get it! You don’t like her, but I don’t know if I’m ready to talk to April yet. The more I think about everything that happened between us, the more I realize how much I fucked up!” Sterling’s eyes widened in shock as the words she spoke registered in her brain. “Sorry God!” She paced frantically around her room as she thought about how to explain the situation to Blair. “Look, I know what April did at the lock-in was really shitty—” Sterling shook her head at her choice of words. Blair just looked amused. “—but I’ve been lying to April about what we did to her dad. We helped tear her family apart when we arrested her dad.”

“Do you regret what we did?”

"No, but also yes. John Stevens deserved to go to jail but I hate how much it hurt April and I hate how much it’s going to hurt her when she finds out we were involved.”

“I get that, but if April didn’t act like such a bitch at the lock-in then maybe Dana wouldn’t have gotten to you.”

“Well if we hadn’t arrested him in the first place, he wouldn’t have been snooping around and asking April questions about us, and she wouldn’t have freaked out about him asking questions about us and she and I might still be together!”

"Alright, alright, alright! I get your point. You’re right.”

“Blair, don’t you feel a little bit guilty about what we did?”

“I don’t feel guilty for arresting John Stevens, but I guess I was a little harsh on April afterwards even though I knew she was going through a difficult time.”

Sterling joined Blair on her bed and cuddled into her sister’s side. “Top five things to be grateful for?”

“Sour patch kids.”

Sterling rolled her eyes but smile at the sentiment. “Parents who love us no matter what.”

"Meeting Bowser.” Sterling couldn’t argue with that. If it weren’t for Bowser, who knows where she’d be right now. “And unlimited frozen yogurt, even though I think Bowser’s being cheap and taking it out of our cut.”

“April.” Even if the state of their relationship was uncertain, Sterling was grateful that she was able to learn so much about herself in just one short week of being with the other girl.

"Sterling, I think you should text April. Mom and dad are going to visit Dana tomorrow. They’ll be gone for a while so it’ll be the perfect opportunity for the two of you to talk.”

And just like that, Sterling’s resolve had vanished as she typed out a simple message asking if April could come over the following day. She didn’t know how she would go about explaining everything to April, but it was time she faced her demons.


	4. Easier To Break Than Bend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm v drunk so I apologize for any mistakes.

Sterling tossed and turned in bed that night as she listened to the seconds tick by courtesy of the wooden clock hanging up on her wall. The one on her bedside table read 2:08 a.m. in angry red lights that irritated Sterling’s tired eyes. She wondered if April was also having trouble sleeping, if she was just as nervous for their meeting tomorrow as Sterling herself was. Though April’s house was just a couple miles away the distance between them seemed insurmountable, their path back to each other riddled with unspoken truths, treacherous actions, and nearly an entire community of people who would stand against them and condemn their love for one another at the hands of a God that April and Sterling spent their entire lives believing in. All of this would put to test the bond they had formed over the course of only a week after having been everything but friends for six years. Their situation seemed a wicked joke with the odds so stacked against them.

Sterling tried one last time to shut her eyes and wait for sleep to overcome her, but her heart and brain betrayed her with nostalgic memories of her and April’s short time together. Pining over another girl, let alone April Stevens, was as foreign a notion to Sterling as had been the thought of her and Blair becoming teenage bounty hunters and routinely going on stakeouts to catch skips. Neither outcome was one Sterling could have predicted, but both made her feel plentiful in happiness and blessings. _My dad used to call my family a team_ … _Team Stevens is perfect_ … _The team captain beats women_ … _Why can’t people just tell the truth_? Sterling’s heart sank in her chest knowing she was partly responsible for April’s pain and just like that day in fifth grade at recess, Sterling just wanted April to be happy. She didn’t want April to be alone because no one else could see how amazing April was under her prickly exterior. Sterling was overwhelmed by what she felt for April, not having been able to talk to anyone about how confused she was, and all she could think to do to silence her rambling thoughts and erase the pain on April’s face was to kiss her. And then the shock set in and it did not surprise her in the least to see April retreat towards the door of Ellen’s office. April had said at the debate that she didn’t think their relationship could get any worse and Sterling believed that kiss was the final straw. Each step April took away from her brought a new wave of gut-wrenching fear.

Until April locked the door and rushed back to kiss her. That day Sterling and April had both abandoned their sensibilities, their immediate surroundings forgotten, as Sterling lifted April onto a table in Ellen’s office and thrust their bodies back together. Their lips connected again in an almost warlike fashion as they vied for control. Sterling had been happy to oblige April, too intoxicated by the fragrance of April’s perfume and the way her tight black skirt continued to ride up her thighs revealing skin even softer than April’s lips. Sterling dug her fingers into the muscles in April’s thighs and continued to inch them further up when a throaty moan escaped from April’s lips. “We should probably slow down.” April had suggested half-heartedly as her fingers worked their way beneath Sterling’s top. “Yeah, definitely.” But they continued to resolve the tension that had been building between them since fifth grade and they continued to do so in the janitor’s closet and in the backseat of Sterling’s car until the night of the lock-in.

Morning came too quickly and with too little sleep for Sterling. Her muscles groaned as she climbed out of bed and into the shower. She hoped that a hot shower would help wash away some of the grogginess she felt and that she would look somewhat presentable for April when she arrived. Once Sterling was back in bed wearing a fresh change of clothes, her mother knocked on the door bringing with her a tray of food.

For probably the first time in a week, Debbie was dressed in her usual attire with her hair and makeup done up enough to hide the bags under her eyes. She placed the tray of food on Sterling’s bedside table, an assortment of chopped fruit and oatmeal, buttered toast, and three small glasses of orange juice, water, and coffee. Sterling appreciated the gesture though she likely wouldn’t be able to stomach eating any of the food. “Your father and I are going to be leaving shortly to go see Dana.” She sat down on the edge of Sterling’s bed and though she tried to hide it by fidgeting with her wedding ring, Sterling could see the slight tremble in her hands. “We’ll probably be gone most of the day but if you need anything we’re only a phone call away.”

Sterling really tried not to think much about Dana over the past week. Though she was Sterling’s biological mother, Dana was nothing more but a stranger to her and it remained to be determined if Sterling would be allowed to visit with Dana and get to know the woman who gave birth to her. As of the moment, she wasn’t really sure if she would want to do those things anyway. Even April hadn’t visited with her father or answered any of his phone calls. What Sterling found most amusing was that she took to lining Sergeant Bilko’s litter box with his letters. “Will I ever be able to visit Dana?”

Sterling could tell the question made her mom uncomfortable for which she felt bad, but she did have some questions she wanted answered and they had to start somewhere. This seemed like the easiest place. “We’ve talked about it and the short answer is… maybe someday.” She turned to face Sterling, who recoiled at her choice of words but not for the reason her mother suspected. “We want it to be your decision, but it can’t happen anytime soon. There are still things we need to tell you about Dana and I’m just not ready for that. I’m so sorry baby.”

“No! Mom, it’s okay!” Sterling flung her arms around Debbie’s neck. “I don’t even know if I want to see her. I was just curious, I guess.”

“We can talk more about it later, okay?” Sterling nodded though she knew later didn’t necessarily mean today. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

As soon as Debbie was gone, Blair emerged from their shared bathroom eyeing up Sterling’s tray of food. “Do you want any of that?”

Sterling considered trying to eat at least a few bites of toast, but the thought alone made her feel nauseous. She picked up the cup of coffee and motioned to everything else, “It’s yours _if_ you promise to get the door when April comes over.” She wanted as much time as possible to prepare how she was going to explain everything to April.

“Ugh! Fine! When will the little devil be arriving?”

Sterling glared at Blair but decided not to push the issue as she snatched a piece of toast and began to wolf it down. How she managed to eat so much would remain a mystery to Sterling. “In about ten minutes.” Blair returned to her room with the rest of the tray of food grumbling as she went about having to interact with April Stevens on a Saturday and Sterling was left to impatiently wait out the remaining time before April’s arrival. 

Seeing April for the first time in a week was both a blessing and a curse. Sterling was so excited to see her that she was tempted to fling herself into the other girl’s arms and never let her go yet at the same time April looked as if she might shatter if she were touched. Sterling knew from Blair that April was having a rough go of things, but nothing could have prepared her for the sight of the girl who stood before her, a haggard bundle of nerves. Sterling had never seen April so rattled, not even after their first kiss.

Sterling was relieved when April made the first move. April’s arms were as inviting as ever and it didn’t take long for Sterling to figure out how to mold her body perfectly into April’s. In Sterling’s mind, the two of them just clicked and if the rapid beating of April’s heart was anything to go by, April felt it too. Still, she wanted to hear April say the words. “April, why is your heart beating so fast?”

“Partly because I missed you and partly because I never thought I’d ever get to hold you like this again.”

Tears began to rise in Sterling’s eyes as she had thought the same thing more than once, but April wouldn’t have understood why. When she felt composed enough to speak, Sterling pulled away and looked deeply into April’s eyes. She swallowed down her fear and proceeded before her nerves got the better of her. “We have a lot to talk about April. I want to be with you, more than anything, but I have to wipe the slate clean and I’m not sure if you’ll still want me after I do.”

Sterling tried to keep an open mind as she watched the confusion play out April’s face. “I’m a little concerned, but I spent a lot of time thinking about us this week and I don’t want to give up on the possibility of there being an us just because of our circumstances.”

Sterling began to recount the tale of how she had been kidnapped from the lock-in, leaving no details out. She spoke in great length about how she came to realize that Dana was not Debbie and how she left clues for Blair and Bowser to find them. April didn’t interrupt her though Sterling thought she saw a hint of pride at Sterling’s quick thinking with the sour patch kids. From there she revealed to April that Bowser was a bounty hunter and that she and Blair helped him catch skips and that his frozen yogurt business was their cover. Sterling took April on their journeys of catching skips, describing a few in detail.

“Wow… that’s honestly a lot of information to take in and I’m probably going to need a few minutes to digest all of that, but I guess I don’t really understand how you and Blair got involved with bounty hunting in the first place.”

“About that…” Sterling closed her eyes and prayed that April wouldn’t give up on them because of their circumstances as she revealed the truth behind her father’s arrest.


	5. Godless and Free

Sterling can recall with perfect clarity the moment her words registered in April’s brain. She had watched in slow motion as April pulled away from her and how her face had cycled through a range of different emotions. She saw anger and guilt, astonishment and disbelief, grief and betrayal. She saw the gears turning in April’s brain, evident in the way she kept biting the corner of her lower lip with teeth. And sometimes April’s face went blank, her eyes expressionless. Sterling’s fate rested in the hands of April Stevens, her judge, her jury, her executioner. She watched for thirty silent, painful minutes as April paced about her room and she continued to pray to God as she waited for the verdict.

Sterling grew less hopeful as the minutes dragged on, but she reminded herself that if April wanted nothing to do with her, she probably would have left. She wouldn’t spend one more second than absolutely necessary in Sterling’s presence, let alone one thousand eight hundred seconds. Nevertheless, when April said the words, “I still want to be with you,” Sterling released a huge sigh of relief. She and April were blessed with a second chance and she swore to God that she wouldn’t take it for granted. Instead, she would spend each and every day loving and supporting April the way she should have before the lock-in. In a world where April moved about in a constant state of fear, Sterling wanted to be the place where she felt safe.

Shortly after April leaves her house to go home for dinner, Sterling spends a lot of time thinking about the power of God’s love. One of her favorite stories in the Bible, though many would probably disagree with her, is that of Sodom and Gomorrah and how Abraham pleaded with God to save the righteous in the two cities. Because God had chosen Abraham to keep the way of the Lord, He agreed to spare everyone for the sake of fifty righteous people, for He would not treat the righteous and the wicked alike. He agreed to spare everyone for forty-five righteous people. Then forty righteous people. He would do it for thirty or for twenty righteous people. He would even do it if only ten righteous people were to be found in the cities. Sterling cries every time she reads those verses. She thinks it’s such a powerful example of how merciful her God can be. Sure, Sodom and Gomorrah eventually do get destroyed, but their undoing rests on the shoulders of their own people, not God’s.

So, if by some chance they’ve gotten it wrong and loving another girl is a sin, Sterling thinks that God’s love is mighty enough to show her and April mercy even if some of His followers won’t. She holds onto this thought as John and Rebecca Stevens make their way to their family’s pew in the front of the church. Following them is April, the color drained from her face and a slight tremble in her fingers which she disguises well by fidgeting with her rings. She wonders what exactly John Stevens said to put the fear of God in April, though she could probably guess what it was about. Afterall, there’s only one thing that would scare April that much. The raw terror in her girlfriend’s eyes rattles Sterling to the core. When their eyes meet for the briefest moment, she flashes April a smile. It’s a dangerous display of affection with so many people around, but she can’t bear the thought of April being scared in the one place where she should feel surrounded by the power of God’s love.

After the service, Sterling and Blair talk quietly amongst themselves as their parents talk to Lynn and Vernon Creswell. Their eyes are glued to Luke as he saunters off in April’s direction and Sterling intuitively knows that he’s going to ask April on a date. He has the same hopeful look on his face and the same bounce in his step that he did in fifth grade when he asked Sterling to go out with him. She can’t blame him for wanting to date April because she’s so damn beautiful and being with April is incredible, but April is _her_ girl and watching Luke asking her out twists her stomach in knots. The way the hope in his eyes crumbles as April speaks is enough for Sterling to know she’s at least let the poor guy down easily, but she only feels slightly guilty when Luke walks away with a sullen expression on his face.

After she and April finish their FaceTime call for the night, Sterling lies awake in bed and imagines a world where she and April wouldn’t have to hide. They would walk through the large, wooden doors of their church on Sunday morning, hand in hand, and they would be greeted with love and kindness by the others in the congregation. Their families would talk after the service and Sterling would get lost staring into April’s eyes. She would ask her out on a date, instead of Luke, and April would happily accept. Sterling wouldn’t have to worry about April’s parents overhearing their call. She wouldn’t have to watch as April froze mid-sentence every time she heard the creak of footsteps outside her door. She wouldn’t have to wonder if every person she passes would stand up for their love or against it. And they’d never have to wonder if God loved them anyway. _Maybe someday_ , Sterling thinks. With the power of God’s love, anything is possible. When Sterling finally does falls asleep, she dreams of narwhals and tiny blue poison frogs.

Sterling and April text each other throughout the day despite sitting next to her in two of their classes together. April doesn’t really speak to her unless the situation calls for it and though it stings, Sterling understands why April is distant. It would be too suspicious if they were suddenly friendly with each other, as if the past six years of hating each other had been completely erased. Hate isn’t necessarily the word that Sterling would use, but it’s the word that Blair and everyone else would use because they didn’t get to experience all those stolen moments between April and herself over the years. Sterling replays each one in the back of her mind to occupy the time until she can actually hold April in her arms again. Those moments were just enough to draw Sterling in all while keeping her at a safe distance an arm’s length away. And maybe that’s why April indulged herself when privacy allowed it, because maybe she didn’t really hate Sterling either. The dreamy smile Sterling would sometimes catch on April’s lips told a different story. If only she had read between the lines.

That dreamy smile is the same one April gives her when she sneaks into the janitor’s closet to find that Sterling is already there. If April disapproves of the venue, she doesn’t mention it because she’s too busy tangling her arms around Sterling’s body and kissing her and it’s the most heavenly thing Sterling has felt all day. But Sterling can tell that something weighs heavily on April’s mind. So, while she’d much rather continue her exploration of April’s lips, they situate themselves into the most comfortable position they can find on the floor and Sterling offers herself up as a safe place for April to break. It is only when April tells her about dressing up with her dad and watching Disney movies as a child and about frogs and being subjected to more of her father’s homophobia that Sterling begins to realize just how complex April’s relationship with her dad is. She can’t imagine what it would be like to feel so much love and hated from the very person who should give their love unconditionally. As April cries, Sterling whispers softly into her hair, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” She manages to coax a small smile from April and it is a testament to the power of God’s unconditional love.

When Sterling and Blair arrive home from school, Debbie is in kitchen baking brownies. She looks more put together than she has in days and Sterling is so happy to see her mom smile that she runs to her and gives her a big hug. She holds on for a long time because while she runs towards her mom, April runs away from hers and Sterling’s just grateful to have grown up in a home where she never questioned her parent’s love. She’s still got a lot of feelings about Dana and about her parents lying to her – so does Blair – but its moments just like these that prove to Sterling that they’ve still got each other even if they’re sometimes struggling to hold it all together. That is how Sterling manages to convince Blair to help her with the daunting mission of sneaking into April’s room after she falls ill with food poisoning. They tiptoe as quietly as possible up to April’s window with the ladder from their dad’s woodshop and pray April’s parents don’t hear the loud _clank_ it makes as they ease it into place. Blair looks dubious of her plan, but Sterling assures her that this is April’s room. She could never forget after all the time she spent there when they were younger. Thankfully, April’s window is slightly cracked and she can easily push it open enough to squeeze through it and into April’s bedroom. Even in sickness, April is the most beautiful girl Sterling’s ever laid eyes on. She rouses April from her slumber and pulls some Ibuprofen and a cannister of hot tea with honey from her bag. She stays long enough to make sure that April finishes it before kissing her on the forehead, tucking her back into bed, and sneaking outside.

When April is well enough to return to school on Friday, Sterling confirms that April was not hallucinating that night in her bedroom. The smile she receives could power a thousand suns and she knows the fruits of her labor were worth the risk of life and limb. Ellen has also been scheming up a plan of her own to get them together which she not-so-subtlety reveals when she suggests Sterling help April catch up on her missed schoolwork. It’s an odd request to her because she knows April will dutifully spend the weekend catching up, and so should Ellen by now, but at least they can use it as an excuse to spend time together. Ellen even goes as far as shutting the door and leaving them alone together. Sterling wonders if this falls under ‘promoting sexual activity’. Nonetheless, she takes the opportunity to kiss April until neither one of them breathe. Kissing April is so exhilarating that if by some chance they’ve gotten this wrong – Sterling doesn’t think this is the case – she’d happily take a chance on the power of God’s love.


	6. Things That Own Us

“Helping” April with her missed classwork comes with several perks. Sterling gets to sit in close proximity to her girlfriend outside of class where they’re actually allowed to talk. From their somewhat concealed table in the library, she’s allowed to be engrossed in the dulcet tone of April’s laughter and the specks of emerald in her eyes that make Sterling’s head swirl. Every so often, April’s muscled leg brushes against hers and it sends a tingling sensation throughout her entire body. They’re engaged in an oddly intimate affair given the public setting, but to the outside world they’re just two ordinary girls having an ordinary conversation.

Nobody notices the relaxed set in April’s shoulders as she forgoes her typically prim and proper posture. Tucked away from the rest of the world, there’s no one to pose for, no expectations that they have to pretend to live up to. They can give in to the comfort afforded by the other’s presence. It reminds Sterling of simpler times when she and April used to sit next to each other every day at lunch and whenever they got to pick their own seats in one of their classes. No one had been bothered to care when April held her hand in the fourth grade as they watched a documentary about killer whales and Sterling had gotten upset when one was shown hunting, and then eating, a baby seal. No one had been bothered to care whenever she and April linked arms with one another or hugged for a really long time. They would care now, so she’s okay with following April’s lead as they carefully navigate the beginnings of a new and public friendship in a way that optimizes April’s safety, because now that’s something she needs to think about and something April’s been thinking about for years. Sterling’s willing to wait for those simpler times to become the norm once again though. She’s hopeful that it’ll be the case sooner rather than later because when April links their hands together under the table after Sterling brings up April’s coming out to Ellen, it reminds her so much of that time in fourth grade. Except this time, it’s better because they’re finally together. If Sterling had known then what she knows now, she would have never let go of April’s hand. And when April voices how hopeless she felt, her heavy heart breaks like cracked marble and Sterling swears she’ll never let go of April’s hand again.

As their time in study hall comes to an end, April draws to them the attention of the remaining stragglers in the library. In a very dramatic, very April-esque fashion, she fixes her face with a cool and neutral expression as she blocks Sterling’s exit from the library. “Sterl,” She speaks loudly and smirks when heads turn in their direction. “Thank you _so_ much for helping me get caught up on my work.” Her voice is dripping with mirth and the spectacle is enough to fool everyone who’s watching them. “Maybe we could study together sometime.” As they make their way out of the library, the other students are already typing furiously on their phones, undoubtedly hoping to be the first to break the news of Sterling Wesley and April Stevens together.

Sterling waits on a couch in the Fellowship room for April’s session with the school counselor to end. She’s happy to support April in any way that she can, but she’s relieved to know that April is getting the professional help she needs. She thinks of the way April’s eyes brimmed with tears in the library, how her jaw tensed in an effort to prevent them from falling. Her voice cracked when she spoke about her father and how suffocating his presence was for her. Sterling wondered how much more April could handle before she inevitably breaks. Even April Stevens has her limits and Sterling thinks she’s been teetering on the edge.

And after learning of the homophobic vitriol that John Stevens spews on what seems to be a weekly basis, Sterling is honestly amazed that April has been able to accept herself in the way that she has with virtually no support system. In Sterling’s opinion, it’s proof that April is braver than she thinks. Sterling imagines all of the years that April spent alone, hiding her secret and how it must have chipped away at her day after day. No one was there to reassure April that there was nothing wrong with her, that what she felt for girls didn’t make her bad or sinful. No one was there to tell April that God loved her no matter what. No one was there to tell her that love existed on a spectrum and her brand of love was just as pure and as good and as valid as the straight kind. No one ever told April she could be herself, love herself. Instead, April had to learn all of those things on her own. It made April strong and resilient and brave. But something like that had to leave more than a few scars beneath the surface and even if April was happy to be with Sterling and to be herself, that kind of pain was bound to take time to heal, if ever it could be healed.

Sterling would have to spend the rest of her life… “Hey Sterl!”

Blair’s voice startled Sterling out of her reverie. “Blair!” Maybe it was a good thing she didn’t get to finish that thought. “What brings you here on this fine day?”

“Uh… I was looking for you… obviously.” She plops down on the couch next to Sterling, a confused look cast across her face. “What are you doing here? It looked like you were deep in thought. Did I interrupt something?”

“Oh! No! It’s nothing! I’m just waiting for April. She has her first session with the school counselor right now and I told her I’d meet her after.” If Blair’s wonder twin powers are tingling at Sterling’s lie, she doesn’t acknowledge it and for that Sterling is grateful.

“I see. I think it’s good that she’s getting some help.”

“Yeah, so do I.” Sterling turns to Blair and watches as she pulls on a loose thread at the bottom of her shirt. She’s unusually quiet and looks a bit sad too. “Hey, is there something you wanted to talk about?”

“Do you really think April is as invested in this relationship as you are?”

“Blair,” Sterling gives her a stern look, “we’ve talked about this already. April and I are together now and she’s not going anywhere.”

“Okay, okay, forget I asked.”

“That wasn’t what you really wanted to talk about though, was it?”

“No.” Sterling can see Blair biting the inside of her cheek like she does when she’s thinking about something serious. “Aren’t you angry with mom and dad at all? You’ve been super chill with them and I don’t understand why. They lied to us our whole lives!”

Sterling took a moment to compose her thoughts. “I’m on the fence. Sometimes I’m not angry with them at all and sometimes I’m so angry I think I might explode.” She sighed, exasperated. “I get that they lied to us, but we’ve had a good life, haven’t we? We have loving parents and we’ve never wanted for anything. Dana being my biological mother doesn’t change the fact that they raised me and you’re my sister. We can twin speak! And we’re not twins! That’s how strong our bond is!”

“But they lied.”

“And we lie to them every day about bounty hunting. You lied to Miles and I lied to April. And April has been lying for years about who she is. All those lies and all in the name of keeping someone safe, the same reason mom and dad lied.”

“That’s different.”

“I disagree. A lie’s a lie, Blair.” Sterling pulls her sister into a hug and holds her tightly. “Look, if you’re angry with them, you should let yourself be angry and you should talk to them about it and work through it. But I’m happy with my life right now. I’m safe and I have you, mom, dad, and April. I just want to focus on that. I’ll deal with the rest whenever I feel like I need to deal with it.”

“No wonder April thinks the universe rests in your eyes.”

Sterling blushes a bit at the jab, but Blair doesn’t look convinced. “What kind of life would I have had if I grew up with Dana? If I had to live every day in fear like April does? What would your life have looked like without me?”

“I mean… I guess you make some valid points. Dana was pretty scary.”

“Yeah, she was.” Sterling rests her head on Blair’s shoulder thankful that she still gets to do that. She hasn’t forgotten how terrified she was at the thought of never seeing Blair again. “Everyone deals with trauma differently. If you need to deal with yours now, then I’m here for you. You don’t have to worry about protecting me.”

“You’re the best twin sister ever.”

“I wonder how many twins can twin speak or if it’s just a Wesley slash Culpepper thing.”

Blair laughs and even though it sounds flat, it’s enough for Sterling to know that Blair will be okay. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.”

“I guess you should go get your girl now.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of hearing you call April ‘my girl’.”

“Ugh! You’re gonna make me sick!”


	7. Your Whole Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For anyone who wondered what actually happened during the Fun Zone date. 
> 
> And on a side note, I got distracted while writing this and watched the Bad Blood music video for the FIRST time. To understand the cultural significance. If we were getting a season 2, there's so much to be explored there, my God.

Sterling had met April outside of Dr. Sam Scott’s office and was pleasantly surprised when April flung herself into her arms, a large smile lighting up her face. April nuzzled Sterling’s neck, her warm breath tickling Sterling’s skin. They stayed like that for several moments and Sterling sighed in contentment. She loved the way April fit snugly against her body and the way her body seemed to come alive and buzz with excitement whenever April was close to her. It was more intense than anything she had ever felt when she was with Luke and she couldn’t believe that it had taken her so many years to realize that Luke didn’t really make her tick. Sterling wanted to feel alive every day for the rest of her life.

“We should go on a date.”

“Yeah?” April’s eyes lit up at the suggestion.

“Yeah, we can go back to the Fun Zone for our first official date!” Sterling took April by the hands, readying herself to give April a list of debate points as to why them being together in public would be okay. “Now before you say anything, the Fun Zone is on neutral, undetected territory. We’ve been there before so hopefully you’ll be comfortable going there as a couple. And if you’re not, we can always leave and go back to my house or we can cuddle in the car.” April tried to speak but Sterling cut her off. “You could think of this as like… a test run. If everything goes okay, then we could try venturing out to other places that are further away from here so we can still be together without having to worry about seeing anyone we know.”

“Okay, so does Friday night work for you?”

“Also, I think they have a Star Wars game that we could play together.”

“Sterling…”

“And skee ball! We can’t forget about skee ball and laser tag! That’s totally our thing!”

“Sterling! I said okay.”

Sterling took a moment to calm herself, realizing she had gotten overly excited about the possibility of her and April going out on an actual date. The heat in her face told her she had definitely forgotten to breathe once or twice, or maybe three or four times. “Oh, sorry, I missed that. I got really excited.”

“You don’t say.” The adoring smile on April’s face masked the faux annoyance in her voice. “You know,” April glanced up and down the hallway to make sure no one was around, “you didn’t have to convince me.”

“Really?”

She nodded her head and stepped forwards into Sterling’s space, “You had me at ‘we should go on a date’. She kissed Sterling on the cheek, which brought a blush to her face, and whispered in Sterling’s ear, “And Star Wars.”

That was definitely _not_ what Sterling was expecting April to say. “So… could we still cuddle in the back of my car any maybe…”

“That depends on how good that Star Wars game is.”

A mischievous smile formed on her face. Who knew April Stevens could be such a tease?

Friday night had not come fast enough and the anticipation for her date with April nearly drove Sterling crazy. She had snuck off to the janitor’s closet with April multiples times before and after school to burn off some of her pent-up energy, hoping to cure her impatience by kissing April until she risked oxygen deprivation. She could breathe April’s air, so why did she need her own? But April’s lips were only a temporary antidote to her restlessness and oftentimes ended up adding fuel to the fire. Sterling was so caught up in April she couldn’t have broken free if she tried. To make matters worse, she had been unable to choose between about ten different outfits because she couldn’t figure out which April would like the most and she refused to look anything but her best for April. Her internal debate had gotten so carried away that Blair barged her room and said, “Black tank top, red cardigan, tight blue jeans, hair up. April won’t be able to resist you.” Her wonder twin powers were definitely on high alert with all the anxious energy Sterling was radiating. She changed one last time, looked in the mirror and approved of Blair’s choice.

Sterling parked at the end of April’s street a few minutes before 5:30 and waited for April to arrive. Being on time had never really been a strong suit of hers, but she never wanted to be late for April, who materialized in her rearview mirror only a short moment later. She slipped into the passenger seat and Sterling was rendered absolutely speechless when their eyes met. April was wearing a green button-up shirt which brought out the color of her eyes and surely enough, made her tick. She added April wearing _any_ button up shirt to her mental list of top ten sexiest things about April Stevens. And if the blush on April’s face was anything to go off of, April had also found herself in a similar state of speechlessness.

“You look incredible Sterl.”

“Thanks, so do you.” They stared at each other in wonderment for several seconds before April reached across the console to hug Sterling. Though Luke was a sweet guy, Sterling realizes that she often felt like she was merely coasting through life sometimes. With April however, she feels like she’s finally moving towards _something_ and that something is part of her and April’s master plan. And the way April grabs her face with both hands and pulls her into a searing kiss that leaves her gasping for air is just more proof that her whole heart belongs to April.

“We should probably get going or we’ll never make our date.”

“Yeah, definitely.” Sterling tried not to sound disappointed about the loss of April’s lips.

April kisses her one last time and gently brushes away the stray lip-gloss on the side of her mouth with her thumb. “We can do more of this later.”

“I’m gonna hold you to that.” Sterling started the car and shuffled through her music to the _Golden Hour_ album. Besides the fact that their song was the first song on the album, it was also one of April’s favorites so Sterling thought it would make a good first date soundtrack.

She was just about to turn the volume up when April stopped her. “Sterl, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think I can listen to that song yet.” April rubbed her thumb over the back of Sterling’s hand and met her with a pleading look. “Whenever I think about it or I hear it playing, I think about that night and I… it just hurts and I want to stop hurting, even if it’s just for tonight.”

“It’s alright April, we can just skip it until you’re ready. I understand that some things are going to take time.”

“It’s still ours.”

“That’s all that matters to me.”

Sterling and April ordered pizza for dinner at a little restaurant in a strip mall just down the road from the Fun Zone. They didn’t speak on the ride there, but April held her hand the entire time and she only untangled their fingers for as long as it took for them to get out of the car. Away from their community, April felt safe enough to shed some of her defenses and let her true self shine through the rest. Seeing April in this light made Sterling feel like she was floating on cloud nine and looking down on a world where her and April’s love for each other stretched from horizon to horizon and burned brighter than the rising sun. Every moment Sterling spent with April over the years fueled the embers that refused to be extinguished and now Sterling was engulfed by what those embers had become. Not even time would be able to douse the flames. When the only thing left of Sterling was dust and ashes, she would still love April.

“Sterl?” April’s voice was a low whisper and in her trance Sterling’s mind barely registered that she was speaking. “What are you thinking about?”

“I was thinking that I still can’t believe this is real.”

April shifted in their booth at the back of the restaurant and turned to face Sterling. Their legs brushed and her hand came to rest on the inside of Sterling’s thigh. Sterling could feel the heat from April’s fingers as they lightly glided across her leg in slow, soothing motions. “Is this okay?” Sterling nodded, afraid that her voice would tremble if she tried to speak. “I feel that way too. Earlier when I was getting ready, I had to remind myself that this isn’t just another dream.”

“Where have you been my whole life?”

“I’ve always been right here in front of you Sterl. You just didn’t see me.” April leaned in closer to Sterling until she could feel April’s breath against her lips, which also caused her maxilla to go numb. She would probably imagine the way April’s breath mingled with her own, as if they were one being, to chase away the ghosts that haunted her on sleepless nights. “I was jealous when you started dating Luke because you stopped holding my hand and you stopped sitting next to me and you looked at him the way I thought you looked at me.”

Sterling’s heart clenched at April’s admission. She never realized just how young they were when April’s feelings for her had developed. “I’m sorry April, I didn’t know.”

“There’ve been other Adele’s since you, but I never crushed on any of them as hard as I’ve crushed on you and I was so angry because every time I looked at you all I saw was you with him and everything I thought I could never have. But I could never bring myself to look away.”

“I see you now April and I promise you I’m not letting go this time.”

She closed the last bit of space between them and kissed April tenderly just as a middle-aged woman approached them carrying a small tray of cheese pizza and French fries. She had definitely seen them kissing and Sterling was ready to jump into action to protect her girlfriend should the woman say anything untoward to them. Luckily, she took notice to the sincere smile on her face and the twinkle in her eyes as she set their food down on the table. “Enjoy your dinner girls and let me know if there’s anything else you need.”

April’s ears flushed red and she appeared to be a bit tongue-tied, so Sterling thanked the woman for the both of them before she left. “Are you okay babe?”

April nodded her head and smiled. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just caught off guard.”

“I only ask because your ears are super red.”

“Well you happen to have that effect on me.”

“I think its adorable.”

“You’re never gonna let me live this down, are you?”

“Probably not.” Sterling took a few bites of her pizza and fries and before adding, “You know, it makes sense.”

April looked at her confused. “What makes sense?”

“Your obsession with the Bad Blood music video.”

“Sterling…” April groaned, and Sterling was certain her ears flushed yet another, deeper shade of red, which she didn’t think was possible.

“That whole video is essentially a lesbian wet dream.”

“Dear God…” April buried her face in hands, embarrassed that Sterling had brought this particular topic up. “And please never use that phrase again. You sound like Blair.”

Sterling ignored her and pressed on. “I’m curious which of the women in that video was ten-year-old April Stevens’ type?”

“All of them.” April replied in her most nonchalant voice.

“What?” Sterling practically choked on her fry.

“They’re all hot women Sterl. They were all my type. Ten-year-old April Stevens did a lot of objectifying,” she pointed a finger at Sterling to make a point, “which is not okay.”

“Wow.”

“Shut it or I’ll eat the rest of the fries.”

“Is that why you and Blair kept obsessing over Hayley Williams together. I always thought that was weird because you never really liked each other.”

April shook her head and groaned. “I’m eating the fries now.”


	8. We Survive

Blair came into Sterling’s bedroom at exactly 8:00 a.m. the morning after her date with April to fulfill her sisterly duties by listening to Sterling gush about her girlfriend. She crawled under the covers of Sterling’s bed and snuggled into her side. Sterling got the impression that Blair wasn’t necessarily thrilled to be having this conversation, but nonetheless she appreciated her sister’s efforts given everything that was going on in their lives at the moment. Not to mention she had done the same for Blair when she was with Miles and at a much earlier hour of the morning. “So… how was your date with April?”

Sterling wondered where to start. Any normal person would begin with the moment she first saw April, but it had taken them six years to work up to that point. Six years to rediscover something that took six seconds to shatter. Those six years were filled with the prequels to their love story and surely the story of those six years deserved to be told. But Sterling had a feeling that today was not that day. So, she forced her brain to focus on everything that took place after April got into her car. “Oh Blair, it was amazing.” Blair squeezed her arms around Sterling’s waist to show her that she was listening. “April is amazing.” She sighed dreamily.

“That good, huh?”

“Better.”

“So, are you going to tell me what happened?”

“Okay, so I picked April up at her house and we went to that pizza place near the Fun Zone for dinner. She held my hand even though we were in public, which I think is incredibly brave given how terrified April is of people finding out about us. And a waitress saw us kissing, but she was cool as a cucumber about it.” Sterling thought of the conversation leading up to that kiss, the weight of April’s revelation and the knowledge that her feelings for Sterling were just as intense as Sterling’s feelings for April. The way that they had settled into the rhythm of their playful banter had made Sterling feel as if they were simply picking up where they left off, like a book that hadn’t been read in a while. And April didn’t actually end up eating all of the fries like she had threatened to do, but she did feed the last one to Sterling after she saw the pout on her face.

“Sterl?” Blair looked up at her slightly annoyed. “Do you need me to leave while you finish daydreaming about April? Because I’d be happy to leave you to your thoughts.”

“No! I’m good.” Sterling swallowed hard. It was difficult not to get caught up in April, even if it was just the memory of her. “After dinner we went to the Fun Zone.”

“I can’t believe you took your girlfriend on a date to the Fun Zone.”

“Hey! Don’t make fun of me! April and I went there to talk after I kissed her for the first time. It has sentimental value!”

"Alright, I’m sorry. Go on.”

“So, as I was saying before I was rudely interrupted,” Sterling gave Blair a stern look to warn against future interruptions, “we went to the Fun Zone. The first time we were there we played skee ball and laser tag. That’s our thing by the way. April is actually really good at skee ball too, which shouldn’t be surprising because she’s good at literally everything.” Blair rolled her eyes, but Sterling couldn’t help the sappy smile that formed upon her lips. Unlike their first trip to the Fun Zone, the arcade had been packed with people and they had just barely claimed a skee ball lane for themselves in the corner. They took turns playing and whenever it was Sterling’s turn, April stood close beside her, hand pressing against the small of her back. She could have easily gotten lost in the way the blue and pink and yellow and green arcade lights lit up April’s face and smile before she would lean it for a kiss. April looked so good in color and everything about it was perfect to Sterling.

“April is also a Star Wars nerd – that’s important for you to know – so we played this game where you sit inside a pod and you have to shoot the enemy Storm Troopers. That was a lot of fun and we actually got a high score. I think April has probably played that game a lot without telling me.” The pure happiness on April’s face accompanied by her gleeful shrieks when they found the _Star Wars_ game had been proof enough for Sterling that she had planned a perfect first date for them. As they started their first round, Sterling watched as April shot down several Storm Troopers with calculating precision and wondered how she would look shooting an actual gun. She let her mind wander to her days of bounty hunting and thought that April would probably make a good addition to their bounty hunting team.

They had played four rounds of _Star Wars_ when Sterling was going to suggest they go to laser tag or find another game to play. But when April had turned to her and excitedly asked to play ‘just one more round’, Sterling couldn’t possibly say no. She didn’t enjoy the game as much April did, but she wanted to fill April’s night with as much happiness as possible. So, one more round turned into two and that was when they had gotten their high score. The way April took Sterling by the hand and led them to the laser tag course told Sterling it was all worth it. April eagerly dragged her to the most secluded corner and kissed her hard on the mouth, a much better reward than anything they could claim with their tickets. They “played” laser tag until the Fun Zone closed and Sterling found herself intoxicated by an all-consuming desire for April. “Then we played laser tag until the Fun Zone closed. That’s code for making out in a dark corner.”

“Jesus, Sterl.” Blair shifted to look Sterling in the eyes. “But you didn’t get home until late, so what did you do for the rest of the night?”

“Well… you know what, this is where your sisterly duties end.”

“No! Sterling! I need to know!”

“We made out in the back of the car… shirtless.”

“Ugh, I should have listened to you. Say no more.”

“Hey! You’re the one who vulgarly demonstrated in the middle of the _library_ your sexual fantasies with Miles! No judging!”

"Fine! But I’m still leaving!”

Sterling blushed, thankful she didn’t have to tell Blair _everything_ that happened.

Sterling was riding the high from her first date with April for many days to follow, especially with the promise of taking April on a second date to the movies on Friday night. So, when she met April in the janitor’s closet on Wednesday morning, she naturally assumed that April just wanted to spend some time alone together. She was not expecting to be told that April’s mother had set her up on a date with Ethan Harris for Friday night, which ultimately meant they would have to postpone their date. The thought of April on a date with a guy, even one as nice as Ethan, was a sobering reality check and it sent Sterling on a violent downward spiral to rock bottom. And that is the only reason why Sterling can fathom that she left a distressed and pleading April alone in the janitor’s closet. Definitely not one of her finest moments.

Sterling knew she wasn’t being fair to April, that she didn’t have much of a choice in the matter. She obviously wasn’t interested in dating Ethan Harris and she couldn’t exactly tell her parents that she did have plans to go on a date Friday night, just not with a boy. She desperately wished though that April could say no and that her parents would listen. Both Ethan and April were perfectly capable of finding their own partners – April had already chosen hers and Ethan’s good looks could easily secure him a date with anyone of his choosing, but not April. Besides, church moms fixing up their sons and daughters together seemed a tad old-fashioned to Sterling in this day and age. She and Blair would most certainly have some words to exchange with their parents if they ever pulled a stunt like that. They wouldn’t though, especially not without their consent, and that was yet another thing that set the Stevens’ and the Wesley’s apart.

April made many attempts to discuss the matter with her throughout the day. She tracked her down in the library, stopped her after class, and sent numerous text messages begging Sterling to talk to her. She didn’t respond to the messages and offered feeble excuses for why she couldn’t talk to April. Every time Sterling looked at her, she couldn’t stop thinking about their date and how freeing it felt to love April openly, to wrap her arm around April’s waist, to hold her hand, to kiss her without worrying about who might see them. Now she felt suffocated, trapped, and disappointed in the community she had grown up in. There would always be someone standing against them and that terrified Sterling and the fear she felt was still probably only a fraction of the fear that April felt on a daily basis.

Sterling’s frustrations soured her mood for the rest of the day and were noticeable to everyone who came in contact with her. Even Blair had kept her distance and partnered up with Luke in Spanish class leaving Sterling to force her way through a stifling conversation with April for most of the class. It wasn’t until they were driving home from school that Sterling told Blair about what happened, who responded similarly to April with near verbatim. “April doesn’t have a choice and she’s just as unhappy about this as you are.” She offered up a reassuring, “It’s only one date. It doesn’t mean anything.” Nothing she said made Sterling feel any better.

When they got home, she stormed into the kitchen, startling her mom as she slumped into a chair at the island. “Sweetheart, what’s the matter?” Sterling met her concerned eyes, but instead of seeing a loving mother, she saw a potential threat to her and April’s relationship. She had always been certain her parents would be supportive of them, but what if she was wrong?

“Sterling’s upset because April has a date.” And with that, Blair disappeared upstairs.

Debbie fixed her with a confused look. “Do you want to tell me why you’re upset about April having a date?”

 _Great_ , Sterling thought. How would she wriggle her way out of this conversation? “April and I had plans for Friday night. We were gonna grab dinner and go see Parasite. Movies with subtitles are something I can watch now, and it turns out April’s a fan of foreign film.”

“Right, because Luke wouldn’t read a movie.”

“Or drink meatloaf.”

“That doesn’t make sense, but… oh, never mind.” Debbie moved around the island to sit down next to Sterling. “Honey, you know I think it’s great that you and April have rekindled your friendship. You two were so close and I always thought it was a shame you stopped spending time together. But you and April are grown up now and I think you’re capable of finding time for friends and for dating. You can go to the movies on Saturday.”

The irony. “But that’s not really the point.”

“Then what is the point?”

“The point is that April doesn’t want to go on this date. Her mom set her up and is making her go and I don’t think its right to force her into it.”

“I don’t entirely disagree with you but then that’s a conversation that April needs to have with her parents.”

“And I don’t entirely disagree with you, but her parents won’t listen. She’s already told them multiple times she’s not interested. They don’t care.”

“Well if April feels that strongly about dating and her parents won’t listen to her then maybe what she needs is a good friend who will.”

Sterling groaned, not wanting to admit that her mom was right. “I have homework.” She grabbed her bag and sulked up to Blair’s bedroom, slamming the door behind her. “What the _hell_ was that Blair? Why would you say that to mom?” She tried to keep her voice down but was getting more and more worked up.

“I see she couldn’t talk any sense into you either.”

“You don’t get it!”

“Clearly I don’t but I’m getting the feeling that this is about more than April going on a fake date. So why don’t you explain it to me.”

The truth behind Blair’s words seemed to blow a fuse in Sterling. “Everyone would be happier if April crushed hard on guys instead of girls!”

“You wouldn’t be happier, and neither would April.”

“But Blair, no one would _choose_ me _for_ April! We just have to sit back and take it because we can’t be out, and one can know because her parents are hateful bigots! And now _my_ girlfriend is going on a date with some guy she barely knows because I can’t tell the world that I love her!”

“I would.”

“What?”

“I would choose you. For April.”


	9. Stranger In This Place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you all have a safe, happy, and relaxing holiday season. I know the holidays can be difficult under normal circumstances, and the pandemic certainly doesn't help matters, but all the more reason to take some extra time to take care of yourself. And you can start by reading all the wonderful new fan fiction that has been posted in the last few days by your fellow writers and Stepril shippers!
> 
> Enjoy!

Sterling felt incredibly guilty for the way she had treated April during the days leading up to her date with Ethan and if it were possible, she felt even worse after finding out why the date had been set up in the first place. When April had FaceTimed her late Friday night to talk about the date, the color drained from her face and tears welling in her eyes, Sterling had feared the worst and rightfully so. “My parents _cannot_ find out about us or that will be me,” April had said. The desperation in April’s voice as she spoke clung to Sterling for hours to follow and she despised April’s parents, but mostly John Stevens, for being the reason April felt unsafe in her own home.

In an attempt to make up for her behavior, Sterling helped April get out of her house and away from her parents on Saturday by taking her to the movies for the entire day. She woke at an ungodly hour of the morning to fill up on gas before swinging by April’s house to pick her up at the end of the street. They then backtracked to the bank to withdrawal cash from the ATM as April didn’t want to leave a paper trail that her father could use to track her whereabouts. April’s insistence and the way her eyes nervously scanned the parking lot for people they might know led Sterling to believe that this had happened before, and that April wasn’t simply being paranoid. So, when Sterling reached out to touch April’s hand to comfort her in the way she had done so many times before, she really shouldn’t have been surprised that April’s knee-jerk reaction was to flinch away from her. Her girlfriend offered up a meek ‘Sorry,’ but Sterling understood that she was still on edge after last night. April’s safety had to come first, so she didn’t push the matter.

An hour later they were seated in a Starbucks next to the movie theater for a breakfast consisting of coffee and bagels, even though April didn’t classify Sterling’s salted caramel frappuccino as coffee and Sterling watched in disgust as April sipped on a piping hot black coffee. How she could consume caffeine without sugar and/or creamer would always be a mystery to her, but April claimed that she genuinely liked the taste of coffee. With a respectable distance between them, they planned out which movies to see and at which times. But after some back and forth, Sterling gave April full control over their schedule knowing that it would help her to relax if she planned everything the way that she wanted. The details didn’t matter much to Sterling anyway as long as she got to be with April. By the time they had finished their breakfast and went to purchase all of their tickets for the day, April was still tense but visibly calmer than she had been earlier.

As they took their seats and waited for the trailers to begin, Sterling raked her eyes across the seats in front of them and counted only a few other people crazy enough to catch an early movie though she doubted that any of them had driven an hour to do so. April also appeared to be assessing the situation, humming contently that the only other people in the theater were over ten rows in front of them. Still, it wasn’t until the lights dimmed and the trailers started that April finally reached over to cup Sterling’s face, turning her head to kiss her in a way that had Sterling melting. “I’ve been wanting to do that since –”

Sterling silenced the rest of her sentence with another, softer kiss. “I know.”

“Thank you for doing this for me Sterl.”

Though she didn’t blame April for being overly cautious, she hated that they had to go to such drastic measures to be together. And really, she would go to the ends of the world with April if that was what was required of her. “I’d do just about anything for you, but I really wanted to make up for this past week.”

“You’re forgiven, but please don’t beat yourself up over it. For today, I just want to focus on us and nothing else. We deserve at least that, don’t we?”

“Yes, we do.

They settled back into their seats for the first movie of the day and Sterling released a sigh of relief when she felt April’s arm snake around her waist and the warmth of her body as April snuggled into her side. The physical closeness of the other was exactly what they both needed after everything that had happened so Sterling was content to hold April for two wonderful, uninterrupted hours as they watched a chilling performance by Joaquin Phoenix in _Joker_. The hairs on the back of her neck literally stood up the first time she heard him laugh and Sterling wondered if this was really the type of movie you should go to see on a date, but April looked engrossed in the movie, so Sterling refocused her attention on the large screen in front of them. It wasn’t often she went to the theater anyway so she would make the most of it. Not long into the movie, she was surprised to see April silently crying and subsequently making it seem as if she hadn’t been crying. Sterling hadn’t even realized that April was the type of person who cried at movies. So, whenever she felt tears lightly soaking through her shirt, Sterling would place a kiss on April’s forehead and thread her fingers through her hair and each time April would smile up at her with a sad smile on her face.

“Babe, are you okay?” Sterling asked April after the movie was over as they made their way to the lobby to refill their drinks and popcorn.

April sighed, collecting her thoughts and biting on her lower lip. “Yeah, that was just a really sad movie and not quite what I was expecting.”

“Did you like it though?”

“I did.” April entwined their fingers together as they waited in the popcorn line. “Don’t get me wrong, the acting, the story, and the directing was all stunning, but I didn’t enjoy it the way I enjoy Star Wars. It really tugged at my heartstrings and made me feel things I don’t normally feel.”

“Is that why you were crying?” April nodded her head. “What were you thinking about?”

“How the people in our society who need the most help are the ones who most often get left behind and how governments fail their citizens every day and how…”

“How devastating it can feel to move through a world full of people and still feel alone?”

"Yeah.”

“It won’t always feel this way.”

“I know, it just sucks that we can’t be out. This is really nice if I forget that we drove an hour to be here.”

“Let’s rephrase that in a more positive way. This is really nice even though we drove an hour to be here because that’s all the more time we get to spend together.” April beamed up at her and starting chuckling quietly to herself. Sterling thought if she could keep making April smile and laugh like that, in the way that made her eyes sparkle with happiness, then it would be a successful day in her book. “Why are you laughing at me?”

“Because you sound like Sam.”

“Well I think Sam would appreciate my efforts to encourage you to think more positively.” Sterling gave April a quick kiss on the lips. “So, what’s next in the movie lineup?”

“We have about five minutes until Parasite starts, then a break for food that doesn’t come from this movie theater.”

“You know, I never really liked watching movies with Luke.”

“Why is that?”

“Luke doesn’t really have opinions on movies unless it’s about stunts, cars, or explosions. And he doesn’t watch movies with subtitles.”

“Well, I can’t really say that surprises me. Like I said before, he’s a little too amorphous for you. That one-inch text at the bottom of the screen is really the only thing standing between him and some really amazing foreign films.” April handed the cashier a twenty for their drinks and popcorn and returned her attention to Sterling. “I guess he’d probably be into Zombieland, which starts at four, so we’ll have to watch how long it takes us to grab dinner.

Sterling scrunched her face in confusion at the mention of _Zombieland_. “Wait. I didn’t know you like zombie movies. How did I not know this?”

“They’re not my favorite, but I don’t hate them. I just like watching movies in general. Besides, I thought we were really only watching that for Emma Stone and Abigail Breslin.”

Sterling rolled her eyes. “You’re insufferable sometimes.” Then a sly smile crept across her face as she remembered their conversation about the Bad Blood music video. “And no objectifying them.”

April gasped dramatically as if Sterling had somehow offended her. “I never said anything about objectifying.” Then, she looked Sterling up and down in a way that was definitely not appropriate for a public setting. “Merely… appreciating.”

Sterling shook her head disapprovingly but was amused by her girlfriend’s antics. April was having a good time and that was all that mattered to her. She was also a little turned on if she were being honest. “You can merely… appreciate me later then.” She whispered the words in the sultriest voice she could muster and was pleased with herself as she watched April’s ears redden at her words.

After a whole day of watching movies and cuddling over the weekend, both Sterling and April had been in much better spirits the following week. Their drive home had consisted of holding hands and sharing their opinions about the movies they had watched. They both agreed that _Parasite_ was ‘a zillion times better’ than they thought it would be and that it was now one of their favorite movies, _Star Wars_ aside. They didn’t end up watching enough of _Zombieland_ to have any opinions about it, but it drew enough laughter from the rest of the audience to suggest they would have enjoyed it.

They spent most of the rest of the weekend texting and everything almost seemed normal. Sterling was intrigued that April was secretly a film buff, which she never would have guessed, and it struck her just how much she really didn’t know about April even though they had once been best friends and were currently dating. Even though the foundation of their relationship was already built, they had both changed so much over the years, and it would take time for them to fully re-discover each other. Still, Sterling thought she was off to a good start by learning about April’s different movie interests so she could plan movies for them to watch when her parents went away for the weekend. For instance, April liked the original _Batman_ movies, but Sterling had only seen the newer ones with Christian Bale, which according to April were ‘too serious and not campy enough’. Sterling added them to her list titled, ‘Movies to watch with April’. April also liked the Marvel movies, but not the DC movies unless it was _Wonder Woman_ , ‘for obvious reasons’ and she usually only watched them with Hannah B and Ezekiel, so Sterling left them off the list for now. In what felt like a game of twenty questions, Sterling also discovered that they both loved the _X-Men_ movies but only the originals. April wasn’t a big fan of comedy, some horror movies were okay, and she hated straight romance movies. Sterling loved learning the things about April that other people didn’t get to see, and she wanted to commit each detail to memory so she’d never forget.

Being enthralled by learning as much as she could about April was how she’d managed to crash into Ethan Harris on Thursday after she had gathered the rest of her schoolwork for the day. Up close, she could see why so many girls fawned over him, albeit unsuccessfully. He was by no means unattractive and in a way, he actually reminded her of Luke with the kindness that he showed towards everyone. Still, she thought it odd that Ethan would intentionally seek her out.

“I can tell you’re confused so I’ll make this quick Sterling.”

"Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting to run into you, literally. You may have heard that I can be a bit of a klutz.”

“April mentioned that the other night. In the most loving way of course.”

“Of course, she did.” Sterling shook her head and took a moment to collect herself before adding, “If you’re looking for April, she had to get home early today.”

“I was actually looking for you.” At that, he dug around in his backpack and produced a plain envelope which he handed to her. “I need you to give this to April tomorrow. And please don’t mention our meeting to her until then either.”

“Why?”

“My boyfriend and I have to leave, and I don’t want April involved, but if I disappear without telling her I know she’ll worry.”

“What’s going on Ethan?”

“Just keep April safe. She doesn’t deserve to go through what I’m going through.”

“But will you be safe?”

“Oh, I’ll be better than safe. I’ll be happy.”


	10. Heal Me

“Are you sure you don’t mind if April stays over the whole weekend?”

“Noooooo.” Blair released an exasperated sigh into the pillow she was using to cover her face before throwing it on the floor.

“Really?” Sterling asked skeptically as she sat in Blair’s desk chair and watched as the discarded pillow landed amongst a growing pile of pillows, blankets and stuffed animals at the foot of Blair’s bed. Blair had spent the last twenty minutes punching pillows and silently screaming into her mattress and Sterling was frankly afraid to leave her alone. “Because I’ve never seen you like this and it’s honestly a little scary.”

Blair laid stiff as a board and stared at the ceiling. “Mom and dad saw Miles at the country club on Saturday when they went out for lunch with Luke’s parents.”

“Did they talk to him?”

“According to dad, she tried to go all momma bear on his ass for breaking her daughter’s heart.” She scoffed and added, “April better watch her back.”

Sterling rolled her eyes, but otherwise ignored Blair’s comment. “April has nothing to worry about and you’re purposefully trying to change the subject.” She laid down on the bed and faced Blair, who still refused to look at her. “Blair, what happened?” When Blair didn’t answer, Sterling nudged her shoulder, “We promised each other no more secrets.”

Blair grabbed the last remaining pillow on her bed and screamed into it. Luckily, their parents were still outside cooking dinner on the grill and wouldn’t hear them, or so Sterling hoped. “She knows that Miles and I had sex.” Blair turned to face her, makeup smudged and eyes puffy. “I didn’t _mean_ to tell her. She was being very sweet and motherly, and I was vulnerable, so it just sort of slipped out.”

“I’m so sorry Blair. Did she at least take it well?”

Blair nodded her head. “I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but this wasn’t her first rodeo.”

“Ha ha ha, very funny.” Sterling opened her arms as an invitation for Blair to cuddle with her and squeezed them tightly around her sister when she wiggled into her waiting embrace. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Because you’ve been spending so much time with April.”

“Blair, listen to me. My being with April doesn’t mean that I’m not here for you. I mean, there was that _one_ time I ditched you to hook up with April, which I still feel really bad about, but I promise it won’t happen again.”

“And I forgive you for that… but sharing you with April hasn’t exactly been easy.”

“You didn’t feel this way when I was with Luke.”

“Well Luke doesn’t hate me and no offense, but he just went along with whatever you wanted to do. He was more of a third wheel than I was. April wouldn’t settle for that.”

It pained Sterling to think that in the six years she and Luke had dated, it felt as if they had actually spent more time with Blair and their respective families than they did alone. They went out on a regular basis, but Blair almost always tagged along. She studied with them and went out to eat with them. They hung out together after Luke’s golf matches and Blair’s lacrosse games. The three of them FaceTimed together and sometimes Luke even went shopping at the mall with them just so he could spend more time with Sterling. He never complained that Blair was always present, not that he would have even if he did have a problem with it. But Blair was right about April. She valued her privacy and would never settle for feeling like a third wheel, which is why every fiber of Sterling’s being warned her against what she was about to suggest. “What if I let you plan the whole weekend? We can do whatever you want. That way, I get to spend time with my two favorite people in the whole universe, no sharing required.”

Blair huffed. “I highly doubt April will be okay with that.”

“Let me handle April. It’ll be fine.” If it wasn’t fine, she would just have to figure out a way to make it up to April.

“Are you two going to bone this weekend?” Blair wiggled her eyebrows.

“Blair! Must you always be so vulgar?” Blair shrugged and Sterling shook her head at her sister’s antics. “I don’t know what will happen this weekend. I don’t want to pressure April into anything she’s not ready for, but if and when she’s ready to take that step, I wouldn’t say no.”

“It would be a shame if you wasted this opportunity.”

“As long as I get to spend time with you and April, it won’t be wasted.” Sterling kissed the top of Blair’s head. “I don’t think I can ever say this enough, but I really appreciate how much you’ve been trying with April.”

“That’s because I’m the best sister ever and I’d do anything for you.”

“I can’t argue with that.”

True to her word, Sterling let Blair plan the activities for the entire weekend. She didn’t know what Blair had planned – she didn’t bother to have Blair run it by her first – but she wholly trusted her sister to come up with something fun. April didn’t look thrilled that the fate of their weekend rested in Blair’s hands, but once upon a time they had been friends so Sterling figured they would manage to forge a new friendship, or something close to it, eventually. She refused to believe that her sister and her girlfriend would never again see eye to eye, especially when she was nearly bouncing off the walls with excitement. Mostly though, the electricity coursing through her veins was because she finally had the freedom to hold April’s hand and to kiss her whenever she wanted. And not once, but twice, she would get to fall asleep and wake up next to April. For one whole weekend, she wouldn’t have to pretend that April was just her friend and they wouldn’t have to worry about someone noticing it was all just a charade.

When Blair gleefully announced that they would start the weekend off by watching horror movies, Sterling felt her stomach drop and regretted that she didn’t give herself vetoing powers on at least some of Blair’s ideas. She chanced a glance in April’s direction, who looked at her with a curious expression on her face. Sterling had failed to mention that she was terrified of horror movies even though April said she enjoyed watching them from time to time. She had once watched _Black Christmas_ with Luke when his parents weren’t home, naïvely thinking it was actually a Christmas movie, and was so scared afterwards that she refused to sleep alone for almost two weeks. Now, not only had Blair chosen _A Nightmare on Elm Street_ when their lives were already something of a nightmare, but she had an entire watchlist. Sterling didn’t think she’d be able to stomach watching just one horror movie, so when April offered to cuddle with her, she eagerly accepted and sent a silent prayer to the man above that April was much braver than her.

All things considered, Sterling couldn’t really fault Blair for her movie selection. It wasn’t every day that she got to snuggle with her girlfriend on the couch in the living room. Being blissfully consumed by April’s affections was a small price to pay for being scared and Sterling wondered if perhaps that had been a part of Blair’s diabolical plan all along. Nonetheless, she was relieved when the movie was over and they moved on to carving pumpkins. “Blair, why are there only two pumpkins?”

“I figured… you and April… would want… to share.” Blair mumbled the words around the last of her nachos.

She turned to April and asked, “Have you ever carved a pumpkin before?”

“No. My dad always said it was too messy.”

“What? Really?”

“John Stevens doesn’t do messy. And surprise, he’s not a big fan of Halloween traditions.”

A pang of sadness shot through Sterling’s heart at April’s downcast expression. It was the same look on her face at their second grade Halloween party. Everyone came to school dressed in a costume except for April. Adele was dressed up as Cinderella and when she noticed April didn’t have a costume, she gave April her wig and tiara to wear. The gesture was enough to make April smile, if only for a bit. Sterling felt bad for April, but at that time they had only spoken in school and only hung together a couple of times for church. A few months after that Adele was gone and April was once again heartbroken. The following year April was dressed as Princess Leia, but now Sterling wondered if it was only for show. “Well that’s bullshit.” She grabbed April by the hand, eyes filled with hope, and whispered, “This can be one of our traditions.”


	11. Gentle Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> Apologies that I haven't updated in a while. Things have not been so great around here, and I don't know about all of you, but covid and the couperspreader event at the Capitol, and everything else is just wearing me down and spreading me thin. 
> 
> I started this chapter with the hopes of it being 100% fluff and good vibes. But I find it difficult to keep my emotional state from affecting how I write, so I hope you find that it is mostly good vibes.
> 
> Enjoy reading and if you're following along in the other fic, I'll have an update for you soon.

April’s smile didn’t falter for the rest of night and Sterling had completely forgotten that the world outside even existed. They carved their pumpkin into a Death Star, which made for a challenging yet memorable experience for April’s first time carving a pumpkin. As they worked, Blair played Taylor Swift in the background and sometimes sang along a little too loudly for both of their liking. April accused her of ruining Taylor Swift’s music by doing so, but their bickering was all in good fun. Bickering was one way in which Blair showed her affection. April had caught on and was willing to indulge Blair with witty and biting banter. Sterling felt even more optimistic about their future together as she took in the sight of her twin and her girlfriend getting along with one another. Sterling observed their interactions with a keen eye, watching as April threw her head back in laughter at something that Blair said. Whenever Sterling thought of home, this is the image that would come to mind first.

Once they took an adequate number of pictures of their pumpkins and plugged them in on the porch, they moved to the backyard to start a fire. For several minutes, April and Blair debated who was more qualified to build the fire and tend to it. Blair, of course, thought she should build the fire and, at least in Sterling’s opinion, was too enthusiastic at the prospect of playing with fire. Typically, their dad took care of everything, which didn’t leave much time for Blair to have her fun. And April felt that she would be the best person for the job given her experience from their survival skills workshop at Bible Camp, which Sterling could attest to. They reached a standstill and turned to Sterling to settle the matter, each expecting that Sterling would side with them, but how could Sterling choose between her sister and her girlfriend?

“You should build the fire together.” It was the only solution Sterling could think of to ensure that she herself did not become kindling.

“But we don’t need two people to build the fire.” Blair protested with her arms crossed. April remained quiet.

“So?” Sterling shot back. “I’m getting cold, so you either build that fire or I’m going back inside.” She wrapped her blanket around herself more tightly to prove her point.

In the dim glow of the porch light, Sterling saw an impish smile slowly spread across April’s face. “You know what Blair, have at it. I’m going to keep Sterling warm.” She made her way over to Sterling and nestled against her from behind. April’s nose and lips grazed lightly against the back of her neck and then pressed more firmly against her cool skin. Sterling bit down on her lower lip to suppress the moan rising from the back of her throat so Blair wouldn’t hear her.

“Hey!” Blair shrieked. “She’s my sister! Keep it PG or I swear I’ll gouge my eyes out!”

Sterling felt April shrug her shoulders. “That’s not a bad idea. There’s some sticks over there that you could use.” April teasingly traced her fingers up and down Sterling’s neck. “Are you going to start the fire, or do you need help?”

“I’ve got it,” Blair huffed grumpily, “just control yourselves.”

Then April turned Sterling’s head to kiss her on the lips and though her neck was not in a particularly comfortable position, April’s extra body heat wasn’t the only thing making her warm.

The last thing Sterling remembers before dozing off to sleep is April’s lips pressing a kiss to her forehead and whispers of ‘I love you’ before covering her up with a blanket. It’s pretty much how most of their sleepovers ended when they were kids because she could never force herself to stay awake longer than April no matter how hard she tried. But now? Every look, every touch, and every kiss is infused with more intimacy than Sterling has ever known. Now, she’s allowed to pull April flush against her body because any amount of space between them is sometimes too much for her to bear, especially when the quiver in April’s voice makes her heart throb. She’s allowed to peel away April’s guarded layers, one by one, with her lips until the vulnerability below shines through her eyes. She’s allowed to slip her hands under April’s top and let her fingers roam over her stomach, her back, and her chest in ways that make her body shiver. She gets to see a side of April that no one else gets to witness, gets to love April in a way that no one ever has before, and Sterling loves every damn second of it.

Sterling glanced down at April, comfortably burrowed into her front with an arm draped across her waist. Her eyes trace along the curve of April’s lips, how the corner of her mouth crooks upward in a slight half-smile. The way her cross necklace dangles around her throat and how her chest gently rises and falls with her soft breaths. The way the rising sun highlights the pinkish tinge of April’s cheeks and how her eyelids flutter as she sleeps, as she dreams what Sterling hopes are pleasant dreams. The way her hair is pulled back in a messy, but sexy, bun. The way the sleeves of her t-shirt pull tight against her developing biceps. And how… how everything about falling asleep and waking up next to April and watching her sleep feels natural, like something she was always meant to do.

Despite their conversation from the previous night, Sterling can’t stop her mind from thinking about all the things they missed out on because they were ‘enemies’, from entertaining thoughts of the _what if’s_ that April deemed too painful to think about. A younger, more naïve version of herself assumed their friendship was a given, an absolute, in the same way that Blair would always be her sister and her twin. Sterling was certain that as she and April grew and changed with the seasons, they would do so together. But the more she thinks about that day at recess, the more she reaches to the farthest corners of her memory trying to remember her version of what actually happened, the more she thinks that their unraveling was inevitable, a fate she sealed without April’s consideration, a tragedy that she set the stage for. Because the distance that grew between them was of her own making.

Once Luke came into the picture, Sterling noticed that April didn’t smile as much and when she did it wasn’t with her usual radiance. She noticed the way that April’s face would fall, if only for the briefest of moments, when she would say, ‘We can sit next to each other at lunch tomorrow,’ or ‘We can do whatever you want at recess tomorrow.’ Either April was a master at compartmentalization, even back then, or Sterling was just too young to notice that April was putting up a front for her. She guessed it was a little bit of both because tomorrow always came and went, like waves crashing into the shore, and eventually so did April.

It was the first real loss that Sterling had ever suffered, the first time she truly felt that life wasn’t fair. She remembers the harsh sting that accompanied the emptiness she felt by April’s absence from her life, an emptiness that remained even though she had Luke. Looking at April now, a part of Sterling can’t help but think that April understood her more when they were kids and those six days leading up to the lock-in, and really every day since, than Luke ever did after six years of dating. He never made her _tick_ and now she understands why. Luke was _always_ so gentle with her, especially after they started having sex, as if he were afraid that he might break her if he touched her in the wrong way. But even when April is being gentle, she still devours Sterling like a delectable desert after a five-course meal. And that sort of intensity makes her _tick_ in the most exciting way imaginable.

April’s gentleness is also complemented with a smug confidence, and understandably so, because even though they’re still exploring the physical side of their relationship, April’s hands and lips are anything but inexperienced. In the short time they’ve been together, April has made it a point to learn Sterling’s body like the words on the pages of her favorite books, something worth remembering for many years to come. With one touch, she can calm Sterling; with another, she can electrify her. It’s exhilarating and sometimes, or rather most of the time, Sterling finds herself getting lost in the myriad of emotions that April stirs up inside of her. And she happily welcomes the distraction it provides from other, grimmer parts of her life that she’d rather not think about for the time being.

As the seconds and the minutes tick by, Sterling focuses her thoughts back to the girl sleeping soundly beside her. What she wouldn’t give to see April this peaceful, this relaxed, every second of every day, to spare no thought to the weight of the world that’s balanced precariously on her shoulders. To spare no thought to the grief that strikes the smiles from her face. To be as calm as a still lake on a blackened night with nothing but the sounds of nature – the cawing birds, the chirping frogs, the buzzing insects, and the rustling of leaves – resonating in their ears. Sterling wants to give all of that, and so much more, to April. An everlasting love like the one that shines down on them from the Heavens above.

It’s a pipedream to say the least, Sterling thinks, and maybe the closest they’ll ever come to it is in moments such as these, cuddled in bed together and secluded from the rest of the world. But the warmth radiating off of April’s body, that wraps around her own like the blankets that shelter them from the cool morning air, is a reminder that the world can be as forgiving as it is harsh, that things once lost can be found again, and that some tragedies can have happy endings.


	12. Photograph

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is largely a backstory chapter and helps set the stage for some revelations that will occur later on.

As Blair drove them to church on Sunday, Sterling scrolled through the newly added pictures on her phone, evidence of the love shared between her and April, even if they couldn’t acknowledge its existence but to a couple of people. There were a few that Sterling kept coming back to, like the one she took of April sleeping the first morning she woke up next to her. A photo could never do justice to everything she felt in that moment, but it was enough to renew hope that a future with April didn’t have to be a pipedream even if there were added complications. Then there was the picture she took of April after ravaging her later that same morning capturing her flushed face and messy hair. Sterling smiled to herself with pride as she recalled the way April’s body responded to her advances, but the memory elicited too many inappropriate thoughts for someone who was on their way to church, so she quickly, but reluctantly, forced herself to think of something more PG-13.

She settled on a third picture she had taken of April, wrapped up in a blanket as they snuggled by the fire. She had gotten up to get more chocolate for their smores but found herself captivated by the way the slowly burning fire lit up the soft smile on April’s face. Happiness was a good look on April, when she allowed herself to indulge in it and there was no one around that required them to uphold a false pretense. And a fourth picture of April wearing one of her old UGA t-shirts after getting out of the shower. Seeing April wearing her clothes had been an experience she wasn’t prepared for, but it thrilled her, made her speechless and breathless. It had taken Sterling a moment to regain some of her composure only to be caught off guard seconds later by the playful smirk that spread across April’s face as she closed the distance between them to place a torturously slow kiss on her lips. A kiss filled with desires they had yet to act on, but also an unwavering promise that their day would come. Their bodies pressed together in a way that made Sterling’s patellas quiver and her lips trembled with excitement as April’s fingers tangled themselves in her hair. Heaven was no longer a transcendental concept to Sterling, but a place on Earth she could be transported to by April’s divine intervention.

“Sterling?” Blair’s voice faintly cut through the April-filled haze around her mind, but she couldn’t quite see through the fog. “Sterling!” _Right_ , Sterling thought shaking the previous thoughts from her mind, _church. PG-13 thoughts only._ “What is going on with you?”

“I miss April.” She’d be embarrassed if anyone besides Blair could hear the slight whine that crept into her voice.

“Need I remind you that you literally just saw her? The two of you spent an entire weekend together attached at the hip.”

“I know, but we had forty-some-odd hours where we didn’t have to pretend to be something we’re not and I’m not ready to go back to pretending that April is just a friend.”

Blair glanced in her direction as the car rolled to a stop at a traffic light, a sympathetic look on her face. “I’m sorry it has to be this way.”

Sterling sighed heavily, expelling as much of her frustration as possible. “The hardest part was watching her put that damn purity ring back on and knowing that she’s going back to him, back to being afraid.”

Blair brought the Volt to a screeching halt in the parking lot of their church, nearly swiping the Creswell’s car in the process. “Listen to me Sterl. April isn’t a lone wolf anymore. She’s got a whole pack ready to back her up if anything happens. Yeah, it sucks big balls that April is going through this and that you can’t do more to keep her safe, but I know that having you in her life is making it easier for her.”

“One, gross. Let’s avoid using that phrase in the future. And two, you’re really warming up to my girlfriend, aren’t you?”

“I can’t say that April and I will always see eye to eye, and I’m still going to do my best to annoy her because it’s oodles of fun, but it’s obvious that she really loves you. I could see it in her eyes and that’s enough for me. If she’s your person, then she’s my person too.”

“Your people will be my people.”

“What?”

“Nothing! We should, uh, head inside.” But before Blair had the chance to open her door, Sterling stopped her one last time. “Do you think God is against April and I loving each other?”

“No,” Blair reassured her, “I think He’s more concerned about the people whose hearts are filled with hatred and violence than which two people love each other.”

Sterling and Blair took their seats in their family’s pew just as April and her parents made their way down the aisle. She watched as April settled into the spot next to her dad and fumbled with her Bible to open it to the appropriate verses for today’s sermon. She held her head high and sat with near perfect posture because anything less would be unacceptable, but Sterling could sense how uncomfortable April was by the rigid set of her shoulders. When Pastor Booth’s voice resounded from the pulpit, the chatter trailed off and everyone turned their attention to the front of the church, everyone except for John Stevens. Sterling gulped down the rising panic she felt as icy grey eyes met hers from across the aisle for the first time since his arrest. It left her rattled for the rest of the service and even Blair’s cool confidence had cracked under John Stevens’ ireful glare.

As soon as the service was over, they made a hasty retreat to their car, not bothering to stick around to talk to anyone like they usually would. Though Sterling was relieved to be free of John Stevens’ watchful gaze, she was filled with dread because she could not say the same for April. Sterling still didn’t regret her role in his arrest, but if she could build a Biblical time machine, go back in time and send Bowser to pick up April’s dad instead, she would do it if only to ensure April’s safety.

Later that night, Sterling busied herself with catching up on the various social media platforms she had ignored over the weekend. April was having a _Star Wars_ marathon with her dad, so she likely wouldn’t hear from her for a while, which did nothing to calm her nerves. She had been so absorbed in TikTok videos that she didn’t even notice her mom standing in the doorway.

“Everything alright honey?”

“Yeah, just mindlessly scrolling through TikTok.” Her neck tensed painfully at the lie. She hated lying to her parents, even more so after the lock-in. But her brief interaction with John Stevens today had been a reminder of why the lie was a necessity.

“We just got back from your grandparent’s house and I was wondering if you and Blair had dinner.”

“Blair went out for food with a couple of people from the lacrosse team and I had some leftover pancakes from breakfast.”

“Then I’ll just figure out something for your father and I.” She sat down on the edge of Sterling’s bed, which of late had become a sign that their conversations were going to take a more serious turn. “I was thinking that you could invite April over for dinner sometime this week since we missed her this weekend and it’s been a while since we’ve caught up with her.”

“That would be great. I’ll talk to her about it.”

“Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t seem very excited about that idea and truthfully, I thought that you would.”

“No! I mean, I am. I’m just tired. Stayed up a little too late this weekend.” Which wasn’t entirely untrue. Her mom didn’t look convinced by her excuse, but she didn’t push the matter, which Sterling was thankful for because she didn’t trust herself to not overshare about her and April’s relationship. “Are you ever going to tell Big Daddy and Mother the truth about me?”

“Only if you want us to.”

“I don’t know. I don’t think they’d look at me the same way ever again.” _Just like if they knew about me and April_.

“That’s a possibility, but I certainly hope that’s not the case. And if it is, then they won’t be welcome here anymore. Your father and I are in agreement on that.”

Sterling could hear the defiant tone in her mother’s voice, the same one she had used at her book club meeting to kick everyone out of their house and when she had rescued her from Dana the night of the kidnapping. If it weren’t for all the outside forces at play, it would have been the perfect opportunity to tell her mom the truth about her and April. Instead, she swallowed the words lodged in the back of her throat and sought a different truth. “Will you tell me what it was like growing up in Nandina?”

“I can, but why do you ask?”

“Because sometimes I can’t stop thinking about how different my life would be, how different _I_ would be, if I had grown up with Dana as my mom instead of you.”

“Well,” Debbie sighed, suddenly looking more nervous than she had a minute ago. “I can tell you that it wasn’t a walk in the park. There’s a certain amount of poison you have to rid from your mind when you grow up in a place like that and I’ll admit that sometimes I’m still too quick to judge because of it.”

“I just don’t understand how you and Dana turned out so differently. You had the same parents, grew up in the same place. Just like me and Blair.”

“It wasn’t always like that when we were younger. We changed more and more the older we got. Dana started hanging out with religious extremists and conspiracy theorists and preppers and gun-toting whack jobs, to put it nicely. And I mostly kept to myself with the exception of a couple of people who wanted to get out of Nandina as much as I did. Get a fresh start.”

Hearing this, Sterling didn’t feel so guilty anymore about her and Blair crashing their dad’s truck or drinking or having sex with Luke or not telling them about April. It all paled in comparison the truth about her biological mother, or at least part of the truth. “What did your parents do? I can’t imagine that was easy for them.”

“I wish I could say they did everything they possibly could to help Dana, but the truth is that they _never_ would have been able to get Dana the type of help that she needed. Hell, sometimes we didn’t even have food to put on the table.”

“Were they extremists too?”

“They were definitely right-leaning, very conservative, but not as far right as some of the people that Dana got caught up with.” Sterling’s heart clenched at the grief reflected in her mom’s eyes. Not even time had dulled the pain of the past that haunted her. “Do you remember how I told you there was a man that I was involved with before your father and I were together?” Sterling nodded. “Well, they weren’t very happy when they found out I had slept with him. They made me feel dirty and ashamed for what I had done. They told me that a good, Christian man wouldn’t want to marry me if I wasn’t a virgin. I couldn’t stop thinking about that when Charlotte told me about you and Luke. I didn’t mean to upset you, but I didn’t want to make you feel the way my parents made me feel.”

“You don’t have to apologize for that.”

“I know, but it makes me feel better to say it out loud.”

“Did they really die in a plane crash?”

“No, but that’s a conversation I’m not ready to have yet and one that Blair should probably be present for.”

She got up to leave, but Sterling had one last burning question that she needed an answer to. “Do you know who my biological father is? Was he one those… people Dana got mixed up with?”

“Oh baby, I don’t know. I don’t think Dana even knows who your biological father is. But if you want to try to find out who he is, your father and I could look into it.”

“Actually, I’m not sure if I really want to know.”

“Well, you don’t have to make that decision today, but when you do, we’ll support whatever you chose.”

Sterling spends a good portion of the rest of night thinking about her conversation with her mom. A part of her doesn’t want to believe any of those things actually happened, doesn’t want to believe that half of her chromosomes came from Dana and that the other half came from a person whose name and face she may never know. And if she hadn’t met Dana, hadn’t been to Nandina, hadn’t seen that sad, little town with her own eyes, it would be so easy to convince herself that her parents were lying. Frustrated, Sterling pulls out her phone and resumes her earlier activity of scrolling through her pictures from the weekend. With Blair gone and April unwillingly preoccupied with family time, her only hope to fill the Nandina-sized hole in her heart is to throw herself at the mercy of a few photographs and to pray that it brings even a fraction of the comfort she felt when April was lying next to her.


	13. Old Wounds, Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, 
> 
> It's been another hot pandemic minute. There's nothing else to say. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Sterling always preferred the spring over autumn and the summer over winter. The advent of March and the warming weather meant long weekend days transferring indoor seedlings from their tiny pots to the backyard garden with her mom. She would demonstrate how to plant the first few seedlings and then let Sterling plant some on her own. They planted blueberries, tomatoes, carrots, peppers and onions. Bachelor buttons and verbenas and zinnias. Rarely did her mom have to double check her work, which filled Sterling with a great sense of accomplishment because at the time, planting those seedlings seemed like the most important thing in the world to her. And since her family ate from that garden, Sterling didn’t feel as if she were overselling herself.

Once summer came and the bachelor buttons bloomed, her mom would help her trim a few to give to April because they were her favorite type of flower. Sterling remembers clutching the small bundle of blue flowers behind her back as she ran from her parent’s car towards April’s house, before offering them to her in a shaky, outstretched hand. “ _I brought these for you,”_ Sterling would say in a bashful voice, and April would beam with joy every single time. When curiosity had finally gotten the best of her, Sterling made it a point to ask April why she like the bachelor buttons the most. _“They remind me of your eyes, but it’s our secret so you can’t tell anyone.”_

Sterling didn’t understand why – it wasn’t the first time it had happened when she was with April either – but a tingling sensation erupted in her stomach. She thought Blair and some of the other girls at school referred to that particular feeling as “butterflies”, but she didn’t know of any girls who got butterflies _because of_ other girls. She made a mental note to ask Blair about it later, but then remembered that the reason she had butterflies was meant to be a secret. She hated keeping secrets, especially from her sister, but she would do it for April, and only for April. Instead, Sterling decided she would figure it out on her own. Besides, that’s exactly what April would do. From that moment on, Sterling would think of April every time she saw a bachelor button, so they became her favorite flower too.

But those days faded like daylight into nighttime, like a full moon wanes from the sky until it’s nothing but a floating sliver of silver – so gradually that Sterling didn’t realize what she had lost until it was fully gone. Life became busier and busier as she and Blair grew older and every year the mother-daughter tradition diminished into less time-consuming gardening projects until eventually it ceased altogether. She can’t even remember the last time she dug her fingers into the cool, rich soil and nostalgia alone fed her excitement for the changing of the seasons and the yearning of her heart for those days where she felt so much closer to her mom and the smell of home-grown tomatoes freshly pulled from their vines.

Looking back on those memories that she cherished with all of her heart, Sterling couldn’t help but feel as if they were now tainted by her parents’ lies, as if they belonged to someone else, experience through someone else’s eyes. Instead of the loving mother who planted flowers and vegetables with her, she sees the face of the woman who kidnapped her and set fire to abortion clinics. She was naïve before, but now she knows better than to be deceived by the eyes and the hair and the smile that look suspiciously like her mother’s, a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Instead of the father who raised her as his own, who built birdhouses with her and Blair and who taught her how to shoot her first gun, she sees darkness obscuring the face of a man she may never get the chance know. She could pass him on the street, serve yogurt to him when she and Blair are actually working the counter at Yogurtopia, or arrest him like she did April’s father, and she’d be none the wiser. With nearly 333 million men in the United States, she had better odds of winning the lottery than meeting her biological father.

Sterling is pulled from her thoughts as April’s lips press lingering, sensual kisses across her skin. The feeling of April’s hot breath against her ear, trailing down the side of her neck, where teeth sink into her skin with just the right amount of pressure, never fails to electrify her in all the right places. The invitation to possibly take the physical side of their relationship one step farther is beyond enticing. But the way her body arches back into April’s, fingers tightly gripping the fabric of her long-sleeved uniform, and her growing arousal betray the true state of her mind.

Yesterday, she was devouring April in this very closet, but today the stale air mixed with disinfectant, the dingy walls, and the dated washer and dryer leave her wanting more, so much more. She wants to feel the cool, refreshing air against her skin and for her senses to be overwhelmed by those autumnal aromas that April spoke so fondly of. She craves the fulfillment of the promise that their sneaking around is temporary, so she can lean back in April’s strong arms, just like she is now, and let her skin soak in the sun’s rays. With all the unknowns in her life, Sterling wants to bare the one part of her soul that she believes she knows intimately well for all the world to see, because the sight of April laughing, her face framed by the red and gold and orange leaves that she loves so much, is more magnificent to her than all the seven wonders of the world.

“April,” Sterling breathes out once her body and her mind catch up with each other, “wait.” She twists out of April’s arms so they can sit face to face.

“Sterl? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?”

The confusion and shock and fear in April’s eyes is too much for Sterling to handle, so she crashes their lips together in a messy kiss just to stop April from going down her own spiral of doom. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I promise. It’s me. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“Oh, okay.” April exhales, relieved, and links her fingers with Sterling’s. “Do you want to tell me what’s on your mind?” 

“Do you remember when we were younger, and I used to bring you those blue flowers?”

April’s face lights up with the same smile she wore all those years ago. “Truth be told, I actually still have a few of them.”

“Really?”

“My mom helped me press them. I don’t think she remembers though.”

Sterling is stunned into silence for a few moments. She never imagined April would go through the trouble to hang on to a few flowers, or that she would have kept them after all this time, but the more she learns about April the more she realizes that nothing should surprise her anymore. “My mom and I used to grow them in our garden. It was sort of our thing and then one day it wasn’t.”

“So, am I correct in assuming that this has something to do with Dana?”

Sterling nods her head, wondering where she should even begin. “Lately I’ve been wondering if I’d have been better off not knowing the truth.”

“Sterling… It never feels good to lie or to hide parts of yourself that you’d rather share. Sometimes you just have to do what’s necessary, but I think you already know that. And you know in your heart that your parents thought they were protecting you and Blair.”

“I know, but I feel the way you felt that day in Ellen’s office when we first kissed, and you were talking about how your dad lied to you. I thought I knew who my family was and in the span of a few hours I learned that everything I thought I knew was really a lie.” As she speaks, April leans forward and brushes a few stray tears from her eyes and places a kiss on her lips. It’s gentle and soothing in a way that most people believe April is incapable of. It’s proof of just how deep their lies have to run in order to keep April safe. She doesn’t envy her parents for having done the same thing, though she wishes she had learned the truth from them and in a less traumatic manner. “For most of my life, I believed that Mee-maw and Dee-daw, who were my mom’s parents, died in a plane crash going to New York. Then two nights ago my mom tells me that was a lie as well and that my biological mother associated with alt-right extremists and probably doesn’t know who my dad is.”

“Sterling, look at me.” April brushes her thumb back and forth across her maxilla until Sterling meets her eyes. “Blair Wesley is your sister, Anderson Wesley is your dad, and Debbie Wesley is your mom. Nothing will change that because it takes a lot more than genetic material to make a family.”

“I know.”

“And you are so brave because even though your family would have stopped at nothing to find you, you found a way to lead them right to you.”

“You really think so?”

“Sterling Wesley, you are probably the bravest person that I know.”

Sterling’s attempts to suppress any of the tears she had left to cry were futile. In seconds, April’s face and their surroundings became a blurry mess. She hadn’t cried like this since the week after the lock-in and in a way it was cathartic. “Could you hold me?”

“Of course, come here.” April propped herself against the stacked washer and dryer and positioned the unflattering, orange sweater dress from her uniform on the floor between her legs. Though it did little to actually pad the hard concrete floor, Sterling figured it was really the thought that counted. She leaned back into April’s arms and wiped furiously at her tears with the sleeve of her shirt. The last thing she wanted was for her eyeliner to stain April’s shirt and for April to then get caught by her parents. “Are you comfortable?”

“As comfortable as one can be on this floor.”

“I’ll take that as a yes then.”

“I really like it when you brush your fingers through my hair. I’m not saying you have to do that, but it might relax me.”

April’s laughter vibrated through her body. “My dear, you are anything but subtle. That being said, if that’s what you want, then I think I can do that for you.”

“In that case, maybe every now and then you could flex your arms. I like feeling how muscular they are.”

“Okay, now you’re just being insufferable.”

“And yet you still love me.”

“Which makes the luckiest gal in the universe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this fic, we protect Sterling at all costs.


	14. Old Wounds, Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Presented without comment

**_Nandina, February 26, 1981_ **

“Culpepper!”

“What does that ol’ fool want now?” Carl muttered to himself as he continued to work on the brake repairs for Mrs. Cooper’s car just outside of the auto repair shop. Her husband had just died a couple of weeks ago – he was a sweet but sickly old man who worked every day of his life up until the day he died, except for Sundays of course – and after selling his new work truck to pay for the funeral expenses, their old 1968 Ford Station Wagon was Mrs. Cooper’s only means to get around. He promised her he’d fix it up as quickly as possible, so he ignored his boss, Al, and continued on with his work.

“Culpepper! You deaf or something?”

Al materialized in his peripheral vision. He was a tall, burly man with slicked back grey hair and a greying mustache. Al was arrogant and obnoxious on a good day, but he’d given Carl a job, so he often bit his tongue and looked the other way. “Great.” There was no avoiding him now. “What is it Al? Someone need a tow?”

“No,” Al replied brusquely and crossed his arms, “your wife called. Said her water just broke. Looks like you’re ‘bout to become a daddy a lil’ sooner than ya expected.”

“What?” He didn’t hear Al right, did he? “No, that can’t be. She’s not due for another month.” He was fairly certain that the cribs still needed fixing. Some of the screws didn’t fit in the holes and he very well couldn’t have his precious baby girls sleeping in a death trap. They weren’t done childproofing the house yet either. Before he knew it, they’d be crawling around and getting into things. It was too soon. They weren’t ready yet. _He_ wasn’t ready.

“Hey man, it’s always a shock no matter when it happens. Got three boys myself. Trust me, ya never feel prepared.”

“But Mrs. Cooper’s car…”

“I’ll have Gary finish it up this afternoon and take it over to her. Best be on your way now.”

Deborah Amelia Culpepper and Dana Grace Culpepper were delivered at 6:58 p.m. and 7:02 p.m. at the Nandina General Hospital by Dr. Jim Fletcher. A short, stout man, Dr. Fletcher was the only obstetrician in a fifteen-mile radius around Nandina and he was accompanied by the only two nurses who worked the maternity ward, which was really just a couple of rooms on the third floor of the hospital. “Mary, Carl, I think congratulations are in order.” He handed Dana to Mary and Deborah to Carl, both wrapped in tiny pink and white blankets. “You have two, healthy baby girls right there. Both pretty as a peach.”

Carl looked down at his daughter as she wriggled back and forth a bit in his arms. Aside from the day he and Mary got married, this was by far the best of day of life. Nothing could ever compare to the way he felt when he heard the sound of his daughters’ first cries. He sat down on the side of the bed next to Mary so she could get a good luck at Deborah and kissed the top of her head. “You did so good baby. They’re so perfect. You’ve made me the luckiest man alive.”

Together, they watched in awe as Debbie reached out and wrapped her tiny baby fingers around Dana’s left hands. They had a feeling their twins were going to be best of friends. “Oh Carl, the Lord was watching over us today.”

**_Present Day_ **

_“Sterling, you are my daughter.”_

Those words haunted Debbie every night since Dana kidnapped Sterling. Weeks had passed since that night and she still spent way too much time wondering how everything had gone to absolute hogshit. She and Anderson had a plan – it hadn’t changed on bit since they adopted Sterling – and that plan was working until Dana screwed everything up. They were going to wait until the girls turned eighteen to tell them truth and let Sterling decide for herself if she wanted to meet Dana. She vowed to support Sterling if that was what she wanted. After all, she deserved at least that much, but she still prayed to God every day that if Sterling knew who Dana really was, then she’d want nothing to do with her. Now she prayed for forgiveness and that her daughters wouldn’t grow to resent her and Anderson the way she had resented her parents.

However, putting her own complicated emotions and childhood trauma aside, a part of her was relieved that Sterling and Blair finally knew _some_ of the truth, but her heart was still heavy with grief. The years of lying, of hiding such a big secret, were beginning to wear her down and she regretted how it had affected her marriage. What she regretted most though was _how_ they had learned the truth and though Dana was behind bars, they were still a long way from living their lives in peace. Most nights she was terrified to close her eyes, afraid that she would wake up and find that Sterling was missing again. And the nights when she did manage to doze off, she found herself waking up in the middle of the night from her worst nightmares.

**_Nandina, June 15, 1986_ **

Debbie and Dana sat face to face as they rocked back and forth on their red, white, and blue-painted metal swing set. They had just gotten back from the morning church service at the Tabernacle Church of Christ the Redeemer and were waiting for their momma to finish cooking Sunday dinner, a chuck roast with carrots, mashed potatoes, and gravy. Neither of them was thrilled about it, but they knew it was their daddy’s favorite, so like good little girls, they never complained. From where she sat, Debbie could see her momma through the kitchen window which overlooked the backyard. She had her blonde hair pulled back in a neat bun and was wiping her hands on her apron. A bit of flour was smeared across her cheek and Debbie hoped that meant she was baking an apple pie for desert later.

Dana stared past her at the fields of cotton growing behind her. She always said it reminded her of snow in summer even though they had only ever seen what snow looked like in the newspaper and on TV. “Do you wanna take turns going down the slide instead?”

The noonday sun beat down on them from above. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the thermometer was already pushing past ninety degrees by the time they left for church that morning – at least that’s what she heard her daddy say. Debbie could still remember how much pain she was in the last time she tried going down a hot metal slide in a dress, which was only a few weeks ago, and didn’t want to relive that experience. “The slide will be too hot. We could kick our ball back and forth?”

“Okay, I’ll go get it.” Dana ran around the side of their white, two-story house and retrieved a battered kick ball from its place among the weeds. She placed it on the ground and kicked it towards Debbie, but it ended up going sideways instead. She ran after it and returned the ball to Dana with a well-aimed kicked and they played like that for about fifteen minutes before they both got bored. They decided to take a short walk towards the cotton fields, but not too far that their mother couldn’t see them if she looked out the window.

“Why does our church have pet snakes?”

“I don’t know Dana.”

“Do you think it’s because of the mice?”

“What mice?”

“I saw a mouse run behind Pastor Robert today.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Did too! You never believe me.”

“That’s because you make stuff up. Like when you cried about how there was a monster under your bed.”

“That was different.”

They reached the edge of the field and looked at the rows upon rows of puffy white bulbs. Debbie couldn’t imagine having to be the one to harvest all that cotton. “We should go back now.” They turned around and made the trek back towards their house. As they walked Debbie, took Dana’s hand in her own. “Dana?”

“Yeah?”

“I do believe you. About the mouse.”

Dana returned her toothy smile. “Thanks.”

“You’re my twin and my best friend. I’ll always believe you.”

“Same here.”

**_Present Day_ **

Anderson put the finishing touches on his wooden duck and placed it on a shelf near an open window to dry. It was the first duck that he had whittled and painted since Sterling’s kidnapping, and it wasn’t his best work, but it would have to do. Hopefully the woodies would be none the wiser. He capped all his paints and put them back in the paint drawer and then took his brushes to the sink so they could soak in paint remover before he finished cleaning them. He was proud of the work that Sterling and April had done on their Solomon’s Temple project for Bible Studies, but a few of his favorite paint brushes got sacrificed in the process and he hoped he could still save the stiffened bristles. A few weeks ago, he might’ve been upset about it, but paint brushes were the least of his concerns now.

Debbie was in the backyard cooking steaks and roasting vegetables in tin foil on the grill. The smell hit him as soon as he left his woodshop and his stomach growled with hunger. Chloe jumped up and down excitedly as Debbie transferred food from a plate to the grill, likely hoping for something to fall on the ground so she could eat it. _Typical Chloe_ , he thought to himself. The scene that was playing out before him filled him with joy. Anderson had forgotten what it felt like to enjoy the simple things in life without constantly worrying about Dana and her increasingly demanding threats. He felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off of his shoulders, they were starting a new chapter, but his family suffered greatly for it.

He approached Debbie and wrapped his arms around her waist from behind as she tended to the food on the grill. After nearly twenty years of marriage, she still took his breath away and he felt like the luckiest guy in the world to be able to call Debbie Wesley his wife.

“Need any help?”

“No, I’ve got this, but perhaps you could check on Sterling? She seems a bit down still after our conversation the other night.”

“I can do that.” Chloe dropped one of her tennis balls at his feet, so he picked it up threw for her. It wouldn’t be long before she was back looking for food. “I had an idea earlier.”

“What about?”

“I think we should go to marriage counseling.” Debbie was about to speak, but he continued. “Before you say anything, I think our marriage is strong and I think we can get through anything. But maybe this time it wouldn’t hurt to have a little help.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Debbie nodded. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Anderson threw the ball one last time for Chloe before heading inside. “Anderson?” He turned to look at his wife. “April is coming over for dinner tomorrow. I’m making bread and lasagna. It’d be nice if you could help me then.”

Anderson knocked on Sterling’s bedroom door, surprised that she could even hear him knocking over the noise – he couldn’t really call it music – coming from Blair’s bedroom. “Hey princess.” Sterling moved aside to let him in. “How’re you holding up?”

“I’m okay.”

Sterling’s sullen expression and her puffy eyes betrayed her. “It doesn’t seem that way to me, or to your mom.”

If Sterling didn’t want to talk, she didn’t put up much of a fight. “Were you ever going to tell us the truth?”

Anderson took a deep breath in. “We were.” Sure, they had a plan, but sometimes he wondered whether or not they’d stick to it. Sixteen years was a long time to maintain that lie and recently he had felt like he just couldn’t do it anymore. He felt himself cracking. Then Sterling was kidnapped. “The plan was to tell you when you and Blair were eighteen.”

“Oh,” Sterling looked disappointed, “that’s like a really, really long time.”

“Hey, Sterl, hiding this from you and Blair has been the hardest thing your mother and I have ever had to do.” He sat down on the couch in Sterling’s room and patted the seat next to him so she would join him. “We never wanted you to find out this way. Truth is, if we could’ve gone the rest of our lives without telling you, I probably would’ve agreed to it.” Anderson still remembers how he felt the first he held Sterling in his arms, just a week before Blair was born, and the promise he had made to Debbie to protect her, no matter what the cost. “I never wanted you to see me as anything other than your dad. But I’ll… I’d understand if you wanted to try to find your real dad.”

“You are my real dad.”

Hearing those words, Anderson felt like his heart was beginning to heal. 

**_Nandina, September 24, 1991_ **

Dana hated recess. For everyone else, including Debbie, it was their favorite time of the day, but she hated it with a passion. It wouldn’t have been so bad if literally any of the other kids wanted to play with her, but no one would invite her to play soccer, dodge ball, or hopscotch unless Debbie asked them to. It didn’t help that she just wasn’t as good at making friends as Debbie was. In fact, most of her friends _were_ Debbie’s friends. They probably just felt bad for her. As a last resort, she figured she could sit on the swings for twenty minutes and pretend that she enjoyed being by herself.

“Dana!” Debbie sprinted over to where she sat, out of breath. “Will you come play dodge ball with us? Please?”

Dana rolled her eyes. She didn’t want to be alone, but she wasn’t really in the mood for dodge ball either. “I don’t know. I don’t really feel like it.” Then she felt as if an invisible string were tugging on her mind. _Oh right,_ she thought, _the twin thing._

_“Dana, you have to come play with us. Otherwise, we won’t have even teams. And did I mention that Joey wants us to be on his team?”_

_"Why would I care about whether or not I’m on Joey’s team?”_

_“Because_ I _care about being on Joey’s team.”_

_“Gross!”_

_“What? I like him!”_

_"We’re ten. How could you possibly be thinking about boys right now?”_

_"I can’t help it that you haven’t met a boy you like yet.”_

_“Whatever. I’ll be on your stupid team.”_

Debbie squealed excitedly and hugged Dana so tightly she thought her ribs would break. “You’re the best sister in the whole world!”

“Yeah, and don’t you forget it.”

Sometimes the bus ride home from school seemed so much longer than it actually was. Dana rested her head against the window and watched as trees and dilapidated houses and cotton fields passed her by. When the bus went down the road with the ravine, she’d always try to look down into it, but could never get a good luck. The adults always advised going anywhere near the ravine, so naturally, she was curious.

When the school bus finally pulled up to their driveway, Dana took notice to her daddy’s truck in the driveway. He never got home from work this early. Upon closer inspection, she saw her momma sitting behind the wheel and heard the rumbling of the engine through the open bus window. As they stepped off the bus, she stuck her head out the window and yelled, “Oh girls, thank God you’re home! Go ‘round to the other side and get in!”

They did as they were told, Debbie sliding in next to their momma, followed by Dana. “Did something happen momma?” Debbie asked her. Dana could physically feel how worried her sister was even though she was facing away from her. Since the summer, their twin bond – they didn’t know what else to call it – had become stronger. They didn’t exactly understand what it was or what it meant, but they could always tell what the other was feeling. And it proved to be an effective form of communication, especially when they were bored in church or if they didn’t want someone listening in on their conversation.

“Your daddy had an accident at the lumber yard. He was up fixin’ a hole in the roof from the storm that passed through over the weekend and lost his footin’. Fell clean off.”

“Is he okay?”

“Doctors said he’s just a little banged up. He needs a minor surgery, but nothing to serious so I don’t want y’all to worry your pretty little heads off. He’ll be out of work for a bit but let’s thank the Lord that it wasn’t worse.”

Debbie turned to Dana, their twin bond fully activated. _“I don’t know about you, but it doesn’t sound like he’s just ‘a little banged up’.”_

_“Debbie, she just doesn’t want us to worry.”_

_“But it took him months to get that job at the lumber yard.”_ Dana remembered how devastated her daddy was when he came home and told them that he’d be out of a job. Al had gotten sick with cancer and had no choice but to sell his business. The people who bought it knocked down the garage and replaced it with a parking lot. They weren’t necessarily living paycheck to paycheck at the time, but her parents were still stingy about how they spent their money. And no matter what, her daddy always found a way to put a little bit of money aside – “For a rainy day” he used to say. But when his unemployment came through, it was nowhere near enough to pay to bills. Those few months drained everything he had worked so hard for. _“Can we even afford his_ minor _surgery?_

_“They’ll figure something out.”_

_“Like rationing food and not eating?”_

_“Daddy’ll get unemployment.”_

_"It wasn’t enough the last time we needed it.”_

“Girls, are you alright?” Their momma was looking at the two of them as if they had two heads. Sometimes Dana forgot that she didn’t, couldn’t, know about the twin bond.

“Yes, momma. Can we go see daddy now?”

**_Present Day_ **

Blair had just finished ringing up Yogurtopia’s last customers of the evening, while Sterling worked on scrubbing down the fudge pump. Much to her and Sterling’s dismay, the only bounties they were bringing in these days were missing yogurt toppings. With Bowser still down in Florida, and Terrence and Yolanda’s refusal to let them go bounty hunting without him, they actually had to work full shifts at the counter. Blair grabbed a large bowl and began shoveling big scoops of vanilla yogurt into it. She topped it with chocolate covered peanut butter bites and drenched half of the combo in caramel sauce and the other half in chocolate sauce. Behind her, Sterling was mumbling angrily about how they had to be more careful with the fudge pump and how ridiculous it was to waste that much fudge.

“Blair, you’re seriously going to make yourself sick one of these days.”

She popped another spoonful of yogurt in her mouth. “Don’t care.”

“And Bowser’s gonna yell at you for eating so much yogurt.”

“Technically, I paid for it. And Bowser isn’t here right now, is he?”

Sterling stopped scrubbing at the fudge pump and grabbed herself a bowl. She deserved a treat after all the time she spent cleaning the fudge pump. She recreated Blair’s yogurt choice and dug in. “Mmm, this is actually really good.”

“Yo! That was some peak twin powers right there.” Blair pointed at the bowl in her hands with her spoon. “I didn’t even tell you what I got.”

“Huh. Neat.” They continued to eat in silence. They were happy to be working at the yogurt shop, but it just wasn’t the same without Bowser around and his absence permeated through the silence. “When Bowser comes back, do you think he’ll let us go back to bounty hunting? I really miss catching bad guys… and the bigger paychecks.”

“Boy do I hope so. My life could use a bit more excitement right now.”

“When I’m not daydreaming about April, I daydream about shooting a suspect’s tires to stop them from getting away.”

“Do you think April will be okay with you going back to bounty hunting? After what happened with her dad?”

“Believe it or not, our relationship is _very_ mature. April understands why we did what we did and I’m sure that if I talk to her about it, she’ll support me.”

“Don’t you dare tell her I said this, or I will twin slap you, but I think it’s kind of awesome that she’s been so supportive about the bounty hunting stuff.”

“So do I, but I’m probably biased.”

“Ya think?”

“Would you like her less if she wasn’t supportive?”

“Uh, duh!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *intensely sips tea*


	15. Old Wounds, Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three updates in one week. Don't say I never gave you anything ;)

**_Nandina, October 14, 1997_ **

Debbie was bursting at the seams with excitement. After six years of crushing on one of her best friends, Joey Parsons, he had finally asked her out on a date. Embarrassing as it was, she couldn’t contain the animated squeal that escaped her lips, followed by several painful seconds of speechlessness, after he popped the question. The whole thing made her feel like a lovesick middle school girl chasing boys around the hallways after school. But Joey didn’t mind because he was sweet on her and he smiled back at her with a to-die-for half-smile and those green eyes that reminded her of the pictures she had seen in her biology textbook of sunshine raining down through the canopy of the rainforest.

Of course, she’d have to ask her daddy for permission first, but she knew he’d say yes because they’d been friends for so long and he thought Joey was a fine, Christian man with a bright future ahead of him. And whenever something around the house needed fixing, Joey would always offer to help because he knew her daddy’s accident a few years back had rendered him incapable of doing certain tasks. Joey Parsons really was the salt of the earth.

Since it was a mild day and she was feeling a little too jittery to endure the long bus ride from the school to her house, Debbie decided to walk home instead. She scanned the school parking lot in search of Dana, to let her know she wouldn’t be on the bus, and spotted her piling into the backseat of Will, David, and Tommy Pierce’s Jeep, even after their daddy forbade her from spending time with them. Tommy Pierce was the first boy that Dana ever really liked, and they dated for a few weeks until their daddy made her break things off with him after discovering that Tommy and his brothers all had white power symbols tattooed on their arms and that Tommy had a proclivity for setting fires and blowing things up. He had told her, _“Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked,”_ and _“We don’t preach hate in this house.”_ Those three boys and their family were trouble and if their daddy knew Dana was hanging out with them behind his back, he’d be madder than a wet hen.

Like most nights, her daddy didn’t get home from the meat packing plant, located in the next town over, until well after six. It didn’t pay as much as his previous jobs and the pay cut he had taken was just barely enough to cover the bills. Her parents refrained from talking about their financial situation in front of her and Dana, but Debbie knew they were spread thin and that was a life she didn’t want for herself. So, over the summer, she landed herself a waitressing job at the recently opened Starlite Diner. And since Hobo’s Ham couldn’t hold a candle to the Starlite Diner, they got a lot of business and modest tips. Sometimes, when she wasn’t busy with her own schoolwork, she’d tutor some of the younger kids in whatever classes they needed help with. She didn’t make a lot of money, but eventually it’d add up, and she’d have a way out of Nandina.

Debbie helped her momma set the table and by the time they all sat down for dinner, Dana still wasn’t home. “Do you know where your sister is? This is the second time in as many weeks that she’s missed dinner.”

“No,” Debbie lied. Though she and Dana had grown apart and gone their separate ways over the past couple of years, Dana was still her twin and Debbie didn’t want to rat her out despite how much she hated lying. Her daddy wasn’t in a particularly good mood – his back was probably hurting him after his long shift at the plant – but he seemed to accept the answer. “Daddy? Momma? I have something to ask you.”

They both stopped eating and turned their attention to Debbie. “What is sweetheart?”

“Joey asked me out on a date today. He wants to take me to the drive-in Friday night. I was wondering if it would be okay if I went.”

“Oh sweetheart, that’s wonderful!” Her momma was ecstatic. “That boy is a keeper and he’d be lucky to have you.”

The seconds it took her daddy to answer her felt like the longest seconds of her life. “I think that Joey’s a fine young man. Smart, well-mannered, honest, an’ a good Christian. I couldn’t think of anyone more deserving of you.” Debbie hadn’t felt that happy in quite a long time. “You can go, but don’t forget your vows to God.”

After dinner, Debbie helped her momma wash and dry the dishes. As they worked, they talk about school and work and Debbie’s upcoming date. Eventually, their conversation lulled into a comfortable silence and they listened to the news on the living room TV. A knock on the door pulled them out of their reverie. Her daddy went to answer it and standing on their front porch was Dana, accompanied by Sherriff Roger Morris. “Evenin’ Carl.”

“Sherriff Morris… what brings you here?”

“We got a tip ‘bout a meth lab over at the Pierce’s residence. Picked up the boys’ parents an’ found your daughter there.” Debbie could practically feel the anger radiating from her daddy. She could see the way his back stiffened and his muscles tensed. He was usually a very level-headed man except when it came to Dana and the Pierce’s. “Now Carl, I know your daughter ain’t involved in any o’ that stuff, so this can just stay between you an’ me, alright?”

“Thank you, Sherriff. I appreciate it.” He motioned for Dana to come inside and ordered her to her room. “We’ll talk about this later.” His tone sent a shiver through Debbie. It was a rare sight to see him _that_ angry and for that Debbie was thankful.

“Can I at least grab dinner first?”

“No, an’ from now on, if you want dinner then you better be home in time to eat.”

“Roger!” Carl called after the Sherriff from the front porch. “If you got a minute, can I ask you ‘bout something?”

“Certainly. I’d like to think we’ve known each other long enough to talk candidly with each other.”

“What’s gonna happen to those boys?”

“Can’t really say. Given their age, it’s unlikely they’ll make it into the system. An’ it’s not like three teenage boys from Nandina are particularly high on anyone’s list of priorities.” He removed his Sherriff’s hat and felt ashamed that he couldn’t do more to keep his small town from going under. It wasn’t the best place to live, but he felt a strong sense of obligation to his community. “Best guess is that in a few years, they’ll end up in prison too.”

That’s exactly what Carl was afraid of and if Dana didn’t get her act together, she’d end up there too. “I’ve also been meanin’ to ask, do you know what’s up with Pastor Robert renamin’ the church? Tabernacle Church of Christ the Redeemer, The Living God, and His Army, is it?”

“Your guess is as good as mine Carl.”

“Mary and I have been talking about it. Sounds a bit extreme, if you catch my drift.”

“I hear ya brother.” Sherriff Morris rolled a stone around with the toe of his boot. “People ‘round here have been strugglin’. You know what that’s like. They’re just lookin’ for answers an’ I reckon’ they’re lookin’ in the wrong places. I ain’t makin’ excuses for them, but sooner or later they’ll come around.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“Y’all have a good night now.”

“You too Roger.”

**_Present Day_ **

Seeing April to her car, kissing her goodnight one last time, and watching her drive away made Sterling miss her more than she thought humanly possible. Sure, they hadn’t been dating _that_ long and one could say that their relationship was moving way too fast, but Sterling knew what she had with April was the real deal. It wasn’t just one of those typical high school romances that was doomed to end the minute college rolled around. Wherever one of them went, the other would surely follow, like Naomi and Ruth. She waited until April’s car disappeared from sight before going back inside. They’d be able to FaceTime later, and that would help alleviate some of her sadness.

“So, you and April Stevens, huh?”

“Mom!” Sterling jumped, not expecting anyone else to still be downstairs. She wondered if her mom had seen something she wasn’t supposed to see and was acutely aware of how her hands began to shake and her heart raced. Her relationship with April was something she wanted to share with her parents, but this was not how she imagined that conversation going. Nor was it the time. “What… uh… what do you mean?”

“Oh, nothing.” She waved it off as if she hadn’t just given her daughter a heart attack. “Just that it almost felt as if the last six years never happened, like you and April just picked up where you left off.”

“Oh,” Sterling was relieved that they hadn’t been found out. “I guess we just realized that the thing that drove us apart was a silly excuse to not like each other.”

“It makes me so happy to hear that. I’m glad y’all have mended bridges.”

“You are?”

“I remember how devastated you were when you came home from school and told your father and I that you and April weren’t friends anymore.” She kissed Sterling on the cheek and began to make her way upstairs. “After everything that’s happened, it’s a relief to see you truly happy again, and I know that’s partly because of April.”

**_Nandina, January 16, 1998_ **

Ever since the Pierce’s arrest, things in the Culpepper household had been strained. Dana was indefinitely grounded and wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless she was accompanied by Debbie or their parents. If Debbie felt like a wedge had been driven between them before, then there was an ocean of space dividing them now. She did everything she could think of to mend bridges with her sister, but nothing eased the pain that Dana felt. She was sad and angry pretty much all the time, but worst of all was how alone she felt after months of not seeing her friends. In fact, whenever Debbie thought about Dana, she felt as if she were being suffocated from the inside. That was their twin bond hard at work.

But Dana wasn’t the only one who felt lonely. Debbie missed her sister, her twin, her best friend, and she thought Dana might feel the same way about her. She just had to figure out how to reach her. As far as she could tell, there was only one option left to regain her sister’s trust, and it was a last resort. She sent a prayer up to God, hoping that He would help them to finally understand each other. She waited until her parents were fast asleep and snuck down the hallway into Dana’s room. Dana was still awake and reading a book titled _Other Losses_. She had seen Steve Jones, one of Tommy’s friends, reading the same book in the library earlier that week, so she didn’t need to read the summary on the inside flap to know that it had something to do with conspiracy theories. A pile of books sat on her dresser, which Debbie examined. Among them were _The Lincoln Conspiracy_ , _The New World Order_ , _The Pink Swastika_ , and _Libra_. Debbie hated to think about what poisonous ideas her sister was filling her head with.

“I can practically hear you judging me.”

“Does that mean you’re gonna stop reading this garbage?”

“Don’t you think it’s important to understand all sides of an issue?”

“I think there are things I’d prefer _not_ to understand.”

“I didn’t say you had to agree with it.”

“But you agree with Tommy having a white power tattoo and blowing stuff up?” Dana marked the page in her book and set it down on the nightstand. Debbie had definitely struck a nerve. “We usually call those sorts of people domestic terrorists.”

“But if you do it on foreign soil, they call you a hero.”

“Either way, it’s not right, but I didn’t come here to debate the anti-war movement with you.”

“No, you just came here to judge me.”

This wasn’t going nearly as well as Debbie had hoped. “Stop it! Just stop! What happened to us? We used to talk all the time and I always thought I’d be able to share anything and everything with you.”

“Things change.” Dana shrugged. “We changed.”

“I really miss you Dana.” Debbie sat on the edge of the bed and took Dana’s hands in her own. “I know you can feel how much it hurts me because I can feel how much it hurts you.”

“Look, you’re their perfect child. You can never do anything wrong in their eyes. They look at me and see a failure. There’s nothing I’m good at and nothing I can do will ever make them proud of me.”

“We’re not competing.”

“You never had to.”

“Joey and I… made love.” Dana couldn’t have hidden her shock if she tried. “I know, I know, and before you say anything just hear me out. I love Joey and I think he’s the one. I could really see myself marrying him.”

“You sinned against God.”

“I think God will forgive me.”

“If momma and daddy find out they’re going to flip.”

“Which is why this has to stay between us.”

“Well… was he at least… good?”

**_Present Day_ **

“Do you think there’s something going on between Sterling and April?”

“Come again?” Anderson was in the middle of changing into his pajama pants and nearly fell over from how quickly he turned to look at Debbie. He really was a klutz, but he was her klutz. She couldn’t help but laugh whenever she thought about the time he slipped going up the steps or the time he ruptured his rhomboid when they were…

“I said, do you think there’s something going on between Sterling and April?” She enunciated each word for clarity and definitely not because she knew it would annoy him.

Anderson huffed and crossed his arms. He meant it to be manly, intimidating, but Debbie always found it dorky and adorable. It was one of the reasons she fell in love with him all those years ago. “What gave you that idea?”

“I don’t know. Maybe because it looked like Sterling was holding April’s hand under the table at dinner tonight.” Sterling was anything but subtle, but Debbie wasn’t totally convinced that she wasn’t reading into anything.

“You asked April about her father. Maybe Sterling was just being supportive.”

“Blair said, and I quote, Sterling and April often do play on the same team.”

“Come on Debbie, you really think April Stevens is gay? Didn’t Blair say she was the president of the Straight-Straight Alliance?”

“Hmm, I forgot about that, but now that you mention it, it rings a bell.”

“Also, Sterling dated Luke for six years _and_ Sterling had sex with Luke. I’m still deciding if I want to kill him.”

“So, because Sterling dated a guy that means she couldn’t possibly date a girl?” Debbie joined Anderson in bed and cuddled up next to him. Sleep was coming easier to her these days and having Anderson by her side always made her feel safer. “And please, don’t kill the Creswell’s youngest son.”

“Would you have a problem with it? If Sterling and April were together?”

“What? No!” How could he possibly think that? “I just want Sterling to be happy and from what I can see, she is. Would you have a problem with it?”

“Nope.” Anderson shook his head, cool as cucumber, totally unfazed by her question. “Don’t get me wrong, I like Luke, but I never really thought he was it for her. But someone like April Stevens just might be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Star Wars quote feels appropriate here. 
> 
> Obi-Wan Kenobi: You were my brother, Anakin; I loved you.
> 
> A couple more points:  
> By writing this, I've greatly increased just how much I miss a good ol' fashioned diner and a drive-in movie theater. Those were the days.   
> In the past few years, at least four homes have been busted for cooking meth in a one-mile radius of my house (one even exploded). Everyone acts surprised, but it happens far more than people think. And it's not uncommon for bus drivers and teachers are busted for selling drugs to kids at school. Blair makes a comment about opioids when they go to Nandina, and its 100% accurate but most people don't realize just how bad the problem is. It breaks my heart to see it and the effect that it's had on my hometown, so it is not lightly that I write about these things. The same is true for the conservatism/conspiracy theory stuff.


End file.
